Category Archives: Peace

December 2, 2011

What Your Heart Really Wants

By Jonathan

In my family, the Thanksgiving holiday weekend is traditionally when we do all our Christmas decorating around the house. This year was no different, except that it is the first year to be in our new house. We have been so excited and overjoyed to finally be living in the house that we (mostly my father-in-law!) built with our own hands. We have much to be thankful for…

So, the Saturday after Thanksgiving we pull out all the Christmas decorations. I spend time outside stringing up lights on the house. Elaine unpacks all sorts of Christmas dishes and mugs to be used for spreading much holiday cheer (and waistlines!). We all gather around the tree and begin placing what seems like thousands of ornaments onto it. While the kids are gleefully hanging ornaments, I step back and quietly sit on the couch. I drink in the moment; Christmas music playing throughout the house, lights glowing on the tree, a spirit of peace and joy all around. Then I see it.

We stood the Christmas tree in our grand room, in the center of the big windows on the front of the house. I’m sitting opposite the window, watching all the hustle and bustle of the kids decorating. It looks as if they are in a picture, the window being the frame. Then I glance up. Just above the window, scrolled on the archway on the wall, is our family verse: “He does not treat us as our sins deserve.” (Psalm 103:10) As I view this beautiful scene, my heart warms and time freezes for just a moment. I say a silent prayer of thanksgiving. I am once again reminded by God that this is what my heart has always wanted.

As Norman Rockwell as that moment was, I assure you my family isn’t perfect (after all, I’m in it!). But over the past decade God has faithfully allowed these snapshots of peace, joy, love and goodness to remind me that everything I was looking for in the darkness of my sexual addiction was phony and empty. What my heart had always wanted was genuine love built on the foundation of truth. I wonder if your heart hasn’t longed for exactly the same thing.

Love doesn’t make life perfect, but it sure is fulfilling. I’m no longer empty, anxious or searching. Love brings peace to a broken heart. Love fills in all the empty, lonely places in the shadows. Love gives you a home where you belong – and are wanted! Love forgives. Love is what your heart really wants. And love is what can set you free to enjoy a life lived in the Light.

If you are struggling with secret sexual sin, let me invite you to begin the courageous journey to finding Love. The good news is that you don’t have to travel far. God is love, and He is right where you are. His strongest desire is that you know Him; that you know His love. He will then guide you into loving relationships where you can experience the healing power of His love in community. I know it’s a scary decision to uncover secrets, but whatever you’ve tried up to this point hasn’t come close to fulfilling the deepest desires of your heart. It’s worth a try.

What will you do this holiday season with your heart and its deep longings? Will you keep trying to fill it up with lust and selfishness and greed and anything else you can grab on to in the dark? Or will you ask God to fill it with His love and the love of caring Christians? May this Christmas you see snapshots of love, and may your heart rejoice at the grace God so freely pours out over your brokenness.

He does not treat us as our sins deserve…

Comments Off | posted in Love, Peace, Recovery, Truth

September 1, 2011

Addicts Need Rest, Not Rules

By Jonathan

What is the best remedy for complete burnout, total fatigue? More work, of course! You just need to tap into the right formula. Obviously, you’re doing something wrong. If you weren’t, well, you wouldn’t be so tired now, would you?

This, unfortunately, is the answer many well-meaning people are shoving down the throats of already burned out, and broken, sex addicts. Therapists, good-natured friends, and even pastors heap up massive servings of rules, along with some side orders of shame and fear, to sexually broken people searching for help. It’s no wonder that very few sex addicts ever taste the sweet morsels of freedom and peace.

Jesus once said, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matt 11:28)

You should see the looks on some guys faces when I tell them their mission in recovery isn’t “doing more.” It’s like I’ve knocked over their apple cart with all their carefully positioned, platitudinal answers to all life’s questions. What? Getting free from sexual bondage doesn’t mean I have to take on more rules and tasks and burdens? How can that be?

I’m always amazed and encouraged by how Jesus cuts to the heart of what we need without blinking at all our excuses. He knows that our hearts need rest. So, he invites us to rest…in Him.

“But, Lord, I know that I need to get cleaned up and stop acting out first.”

“Come to me,” Jesus says.

“Well, I know that I need to get in a group, pray every day, read my Bible, and go to church.”

“Come to me,” He beckons.

“C’mon, Jesus, I need to know that everything I’m going to give up is really worth it, and that everything I’m going to work so hard for will impress you.”

“Come to me.”

Keeping the rules has never transformed one sinful heart. Not one. Jesus alone transforms hearts. He alone can heal your sexual brokenness, the abuses from your past, the anger and fear in your heart. Rules and programs and books, these things become a noose around your already broken neck if you don’t understand that you must first come to Jesus. He gives rest, no one else does. No one else can.

Sometimes it’s hard for a sex addict to recognize rest (i.e. peace) as their essential need. It feels more like the primary need is figuring how to just not act out. But I have come to see that when a soul has found its rest in Jesus, the motivations it once had to act out are gone. Finding rest, and continuing to rest, in Jesus gives the soul all it needs to live life in fullness and joy, no longer seeking the facade of true intimacy promised by lust.

Now, don’t think that prayer, Bible study, community and counseling are rubbish. They are not. But when one seeks in those activities what can only be found in the person of Jesus Christ, there will be no rest, only anxiety. Be careful to keep the central thing first: Jesus gives rest to all who come. Everything else is secondary.

Are you laboring? Heavy laden? Even in recovery? Come to Jesus. He promises to give rest to all who come. So, what excuse is holding you back from receiving what your soul truly needs? Just come…

1 comment | posted in Grace, Peace, Recovery, Sex Addiction

May 19, 2011

Life is Simple

By Jonathan

The basic necessities of life will never change, no matter how far science or technology advances. Human beings will always need food, water, and air to survive. But we will also always have needs that go far beyond biology. You and I and everyone else in the human race will always need love and touch and the melody of music to move our souls. The essentials of life can never be changed.

I find great stability in such truth because it is easy to get swept away with fairytale ideas about a life “out there” in the future that “evolves” beyond where we were yesterday, or even where we are today. But that life doesn’t exist. It simply will have more gadgets and ideologies attached to it.

Let’s not complicate our lives by believing that which is peripheral can substitute for that which is essential. I’m terribly sorry, but an iPad will never touch you the way a human embrace can. Nor will the latest findings in neuroscience ever fully explain how music stirs the depths of your being or your mom’s roast beef makes you feel like you’ve died and gone to heaven. Tech gadgets are fun. The pursuit of deeper understanding through science is fascinating and enlightening. But the richness of life is ultimately found in the simplicity of its unchanging rhythm.

In our ministry we come across a lot of stressed out people. Sin has a way of doing that. But I think there is more to the stress than just the sinfulness of sexual addiction. I think it has to do with people searching for life in the complexities of peripheral gizmos and humanistic philosophies. Humans find it hard to believe that beauty and fulfillment and true joy could be found in such mundane, daily things as a smile from their toddler, an encouraging word from a friend, a kiss from their spouse, or the flavor of a perfectly seasoned pork chop. Shouldn’t life be more than that? Shouldn’t it be mysterious and vague and “nuanced?” Sure it should. But it isn’t.

The real mystery in life is that such a complex and infinitely creative God fashioned life to be so incredibly simple. I sometimes wonder if God doesn’t sorta chuckle to himself as he sees us scrambling around to add so many insignificant ideas and activities and possessions to life. He must think, They have no idea how complicated I could have made it for them. Yet he ultimately boiled down the essence of life into a simple framework: Love God and love each other.

I long for simplicity in my life. I try to be intentional about protecting the essentials (especially when it comes to a good bacon cheeseburger!). It’s important to self-examine every once in a while to see if there might be too much of a build-up of unnecessary junk that’s blocking your view or deafening your hearing from the simple, sweet sights and sounds of life. So, tear down the walls of techno gods, turn down the volume of overbooked schedules, and take some time to connect; with God and a neighbor.

Whatever your stressors are, maybe you have overlooked the most obvious, but strangely elusive, answer to them: simplify your life. Maybe it’s time to turn off the TV, kick off your shoes, share some time with a loved one, and listen to the music of life. It’s a beautiful sound that soothes weary souls. You can hear it, if only you’ll listen…

Comments Off | posted in Faith, Love, Miscellaneous, Peace

January 4, 2010

My New Year’s “Anti-Resolutions”

By Jonathan

“To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace. It is only through grace that any of us could dare to hope that we could become more like Christ.”

– Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

Sometimes to improve, you must remove. To enhance, you must lance. Increasing might require decreasing. You get the idea. For example, to improve your health might require reducing or eliminating certain foods from your plate and other practices from your routine. Or, to get your finances healthy, you might need to eliminate debt and curb undisciplined spending. Less can be more.

With this concept in mind, I offer my “anti-resolutions” for 2010. These are not your typical “I promise to do…” or “I will” statements. Rather, these are the ideas and activities that I am committing to avoiding in the coming year (and hopefully beyond). I hope these might prove inspirational to you as you consider the goals you want to set and achieve in your future. Don’t neglect the very real component of elimination as a means to success and true joy in life.

  1. I WILL NOT consider myself to be anything, except a wretch rescued by God’s grace. (I figured I would start with the easy ones first, then work my way up to the really tough anti-resolutions)
  2. I WILL NOT cheapen grace and love by pretending I don’t need either, or deceiving myself (and others) into thinking I could earn them. I don’t deserve anything good…
  3. I WILL NOT deny or succumb to my fears. Anxiety is often present in me, seeking to paralyze me from action. It is real, it is present, but I won’t let it corner me any longer.
  4. I WILL NOT pretend that what others think of me doesn’t matter. Unfortunately, I am a people-pleaser. I care what others think, but I won’t lie about it any longer. (Hopefully, this flaw will be healed in time…)
  5. I WILL NOT serve money, food, or titles. While I am prone to inappropriately desire these things, I will not allow them to master me or become my gods.
  6. I WILL NOT ignore my role as husband and father. Even in my terror and inadequacy in these roles, I will not run away from the responsibilities they require of me.
  7. I WILL NOT say “yes” too much or “no” not enough. After all, sometimes to improve, one must remove, right?
  8. I WILL NOT categorize my fellow humans. There is no race, gender, nation, or tribe that is greater or lesser. I am no better than anyone or in any lesser need of grace and forgiveness than another. I will not stand superior to a brother or sister.
  9. I WILL NOT stifle laughter, choke back tears or “mask” emotion. If you happen to be with me during these moments, and such transparency embarrasses you, I will not apologize for it.
  10. I WILL NOT engage in false, contrived dialogue. If I have nothing to say, I will have nothing to say. (I feel a much quieter year – even decade! – coming on.)
  11. I WILL NOT drink from the cup of “that’s the way we’ve always done it.” The winds of change keep my sails taut, therefore I will not seek to avoid alterations to my course.
  12. I WILL NOT step on insects just to hear them crunch. (Sorry, nature lovers, for confessing such sadism)
  13. I WILL NOT assume to have answers or discard my ever-increasing questions. With each passing year I have fewer answers and exponentially more questions. I will not be ashamed of this fact of (my) life.
  14. I WILL NOT do anything because it is what I am “supposed” to do (as defined by culture or other man-made institutions). In fact, I might try doing the opposite just to see what reactions I get…
  15. I WILL NOT agree with atheism, homosexuality, or communist philosophy, yet neither will I avoid welcoming with joy genuine friendship with those who hold such views.
  16. I WILL NOT eat ice cream too fast or chocolate cake too slowly. I don’t want to miss the pure bliss of the simple, savory moments of life (some sybaritism isn’t immoral, right?).
  17. I WILL NOT perpetuate separatism within the church. God did not make a way for only certain kinds of people. All who believe are welcomed into the family and I will not treat any as “lesser.” (or greater…sorry to some of you mega-church icons.)
  18. I WILL NOT forget my propensity to sin and, therefore, my perpetual need for help. I am not always the best at asking for help, but at the very least I won’t deny my need for it.
  19. I WILL NOT tell people what they want to hear if it isn’t the truth. This may offend some, but it also might bring life and transforming hope to others.
  20. I WILL NOT miss this place if God chooses to take me home this year. Nothing I would leave behind is worth negotiating for more time here when heaven is the alternative.

So, there you have it. A lot of “not doing” in my near (and hopefully, far) future. How about you? What are you going to eliminate, pare down, shave off in order to be a fuller, richer human being? Remember, you only get one life to live and it only unfolds one day at a time. Make the most of your days…

Comments Off | posted in Faith, Family, Motives, Peace

December 9, 2009

Choosing and Being Chosen

By Lee Sherry

Have you ever asked yourself the question, “Would anyone choose me?” One of the most important Advent messages we can embrace this Christmas season is that God loves us—that we are chosen as His Beloved. Last week I was jarred when I read John 15:16 – “You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you.”1 I remember the evening I came to faith. I thought I chose God. Now all these years later I read, “Lee, you did not chose Me, but I chose you.” Reality check! The message of Christmas for us is really the Good News that we are chosen for the highest honor of being God’s Beloved sons and daughters.

Being chosen is a concept that reverberates deep in my soul. When someone is chosen, it is because they are valued, dearly loved and actively desired. God pursues us to be in relationship with Him, and cultivating that relationship requires us to make a response. If somebody loves us, they want to spend time with us, and whether or not a relationship develops depends on us making time to be with them. Wow! God says, “Get this, I chose you!”

To not be chosen, can subject us to the pain of not being valued, not being dearly loved, and not being actively desired. I know what it feels like to be rejected; growing up, I was subjected to severe physical and emotional abuse. I have felt deep rejection since childhood because of my family situation. And on top of that there was sexual abuse. But understanding that the God of the Universe chose me, and my wife chose me has definitively defeated those feelings. I still struggle sometimes to remember that I am truly valued, truly chosen. But I have God’s confirmation of my worth to return to as I embrace Him.

Now, as an adult, it is easier for me to identify my feelings and take them to God when I question my worth, but as a child, things were much different. Most of my parents’ attention was devoted to my two younger brothers and I frequently felt over-looked. In school, there was the usual childhood teasing, and more for various reasons. Rejection, rejection, rejection – it was painful and I internalized the message, “you are not wanted, you are not valued, and you deserve to be left behind.” Those are the enemy’s lies and it matters not one whit what others think of me. God thinks I am worthy to be His Beloved child, His Prince, if you will (His Princesses for the ladies).

Keep in mind that God is not a human king whose attention decreases the more children He has. God is a supernatural being whose love, attention, and care never runs out. Never. As I began getting to know God intimately by spending time with Him, I started to learn that we all must return to God’s opinion of us and know that the God of the Universe-The ONE all-powerful, all-knowing God Who chooses us – makes us worthy to be His. There is immense value of knowing that God’s opinion is trustworthy and worth more than any other. He has the last, definitive word on your worth, not some imperfect human. The opinions of other humans can seem powerful and authoritative, giving them ability to hurt, but their evaluation of you is worth absolutely nothing compared to God’s. Embracing what God says about you—that He chose you, gives you strength to face trials, because it affirms you are not alone. I would encourage you to cling to God’s opinion of you being His chosen because it provides confidence. When I know I have been chosen, it is an incredibly powerful motivation to not sulk in a dungeon of despair and self-contempt.

But I must admit, I didn’t come to this conclusion on my own. I had wonderful examples in my life of what it means to be chosen. My paternal grandmother was my first example of unconditional love. Her affection and faith cleared a path for me to respond to God’s pursuit. When I left home to join the Navy, I was blessed to be mentored by a godly man while I was overseas. His unconditional love gave me courage, and taught me how to be in relationship with God. I would encourage you to pray for God to give you a mentor or spiritual guide, because when times are tough we need “safe” people to teach and support us. All during my military service, and college years there were people who chose to love me through their prayers. When I graduated from college, God gave me a godly wife. I chose the girl of my dreams, a beautiful woman of faith who was my high school sweetheart. I am forever grateful she chose to respond to my pursuit, because through her life daily I see God’s unconditional love mirrored to me. I know that you may feel unloved or unworthy, but if you look around, I am confident that you will also spot people in your life who can mirror God’s love to you. Look for these people and learn from them.

It is awesome that God loves us so much He wants us to know we are His chosen. To embrace that truth is a discipline we must exercise regularly. In marriage, if I do not make time for my wife, I devalue my commitment that she is my chosen one. In my relationship with God, it is equally important that I make time for God through time spent in prayer, and time spent in the Scriptures. It is Amazing Grace that God loves us so much He tells us so as we spend time with Him. Have a Blessed Christmas! Truly as Christians we can sing “Joy to the world, the Lord has come! Let heaven and earth rejoice!”

1The Amplified Bible. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Bible Publishers, 1965. Emphasis Author’s.

Comments Off | posted in Faith, Love, Peace

December 9, 2009

Waiting on God

By Lee Sherry

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord.

Psalm 27:14 KJV

The Convair 880 had taxied out to the strip approaching the runway. The voice of the captain came over the intercom announcing, “Ladies and gentlemen, we are number 12 in line for takeoff. We may expect a delay of 15 to 20 minutes.” His words brought a concerted groan of impatience from the passengers in the plane.

Chafing restlessness and desire for action seem to be trademarks of our age. The business of waiting is difficult. Christians sometimes display the same trait in their attitude toward God and His dealings with them—especially when His providence seems strange or restricting. We can never lose time, however, by waiting on the Lord. The word “wait” in Psalm 27 means “to trust or hope.” What better way could we as believers spend our days than by putting our confidence in the Lord, even when He asks us to mark time? We are actually depending upon an all-knowing, all-powerful Heavenly Father. We may be assured that He will bring to completion His perfect plans for us. The perplexing problems of the present have already been solved in His wise design. Our impatience belies our dependence upon Him.

A church secretary inserted the following item in the weekly bulletin: “You can make the clock strike before the hour by putting your own hand on it, but it will strike wrong. You can tear the rosebud open before its time, but you will mar its beauty. So, you may spoil many gifts of blessing God is preparing for you because of your own eager haste.” His plan for your life is perfect; therefore, waiting on God is never time wasted! — P.R.V.

Someone sent me the above devotional excerpt as a note of encouragement when God had me grounded some years ago and I did not understand. The gravity of it tore into me with the force of the bitter wind yesterday and it became a word of conviction while taking my dog on a walk. I shoved into the day angry because I want winter to be over. I struggle when all the color is stripped out of the landscape in winter and everything appears a dull brown. I like the joy when spring arrives and days are warm. There is evidence of spring as tinges of color slowly spill out onto the landscape, but I long for warmth.

My dog, Travis, was undaunted by my bad attitude; he was just absorbed in enjoying the moment. I shoved up my defenses when God interrupted my little fit with, “I can appreciate you are a little uncomfortable, but I love you; do you believe that?” I met God’s question with silence. I think I would be a lot smarter if I paid more attention to Travis. He does not mind waiting. He trusts his best interests will be attended to without worrying. He seems much more flexible than I and possesses a genuine trust.

When I got back to the house, God said, “Lee, why are you so angry?” I sat down and wrote out a whole pile of reasons; amazing how we stuff this stuff and let the enemy steal our joy. My list boiled down to two things: 1) I do not like to wait. 2) I have a trust issue. In my haste to have the spring corridor painted and warmth again as flavor of the day, I would have wrecked God’s creation. God have mercy. God have mercy upon me for not exhibiting the trust in my heavenly Father that my dog has in me.

It shames me to be transparent; I broke God’s heart. In the busyness of a life filled with my own agendas I had turned my face from God. We all have different ways of processing things; writing helps me unpack what God is trying to get through. After journaling my thoughts, I could look objectively at what a mess I had made by running ahead of God.

When we have offended someone, for fellowship to be restored, we have to ask for forgiveness. Repentance of my sin had to happen for forgiveness to occur. I felt godly sorrow I had turned my face from God; had demonstrated such selfishness in demanding my own desires instead of embracing God’s will. When we ask for forgiveness, we must embrace the truth we are forgiven. Our forgiveness is not contingent upon a feeling, but on the authority of God’s Word. St. John says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (I John 1:9 ESV).” Glory be to Thee O Christ.

Waiting on God is never time wasted. It is as we wait on Him that we discover the reality of His love, His forgiveness, and who we are truly created to be. We discover His plan for us is perfect. My prayer for us each is that we would all always desire that.

May the peace of the Lord be always with you!

Comments Off | posted in Faith, Patience, Peace