More wise words concerning sexuality from the book of Proverbs. This Purity Post highlights the personal and private design of sex between a man and his wife.
Proverbs on Purity (Part 3) from Be Broken Ministries.
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The book of Proverbs in the Bible is filled with wisdom and insights for living a godly life. This post takes a look at what our response should be to the lure of lustful temptations.
Proverbs on Purity (Part 2) from Be Broken Ministries.
For more videos like this, keep an eye on our Purity Posts Vimeo Channel.
The following is a letter a wife wrote in response to her husband’s sexual addiction. It is rich with insights and hope for any woman facing similar betrayal and heartache. If you are a wife struggling through the discovery of your husband’s secret sexual sin, please contact us for help.
His addiction has left me empty, cold, and bitter. Totally exhausted. I study myself and question myself constantly. I am not pretty enough, I am not thin enough, I am not sexy enough. Fun? What is fun? I used to have fun going to the mall or going out to dinner or the movies. I used to want to get out and do things, but now when I am in public with my husband it is a sort of dread and anguish for me. Questions and thoughts run through my head. I scan the room to see which of these women is my husband lusting after? Who is my competition?
Women used to be my friends, now they are my competitors. I used to feel pretty, I used to feel sexy. Now I just feel that I am the consolation prize. I don’t even know if it is possible to feel pretty and sexy again. Mental exhaustion is a way of life. Trying to remember to take the laptop with me when I leave, hiding the Kindle Fire, checking the cell phone. When I get home, and he has been home alone, I look for clues. Asking questions 5 different ways to make sure he is not lying to me. Paying close attention to details, checking the bank account for miscellaneous charges. Wondering when is he going to go so far that I will have to make a decision to leave.
I am thankful that my husband went to Gateway to Freedom and I believe that if he works the program and if I allow God to heal me of deep hurt then I do believe there is hope for us. I want to trust my husband again, I want to forgive him and I will, but I don’t want to be a fool. I am willing to walk this walk with him but, he will be required to to work this program harder than he has worked anything in his life.
He will have to be honest, no secrets. He will have to answer the questions that I have and understand that it is going to take time for me to trust him and believe what he says. I want him to work this program just as intently as he sought his porn. He coddled it, he protected it, he fed it, he hunted after it. He defended it. I, on the other hand, also understand that I need help. I need to be restored by the Restorer.
I am committing to pray for my husband daily, to ask God for wisdom for my husband, for strength. I will ask God to restore our marriage and my husband as a Godly man, for direction for our family. I will work daily not to condemn my husband, but to ask God to show me how to help keep him accountable. I also commit to spending more time in God’s Word, allowing Him to love me, define me and heal me. I will get involved with other women who have dealt with the same pain I am dealing with now and commit to help other women when God restores me.
Is marriage really the only context for sexual expression? What does the creation story reveal about God’s intentions for sex? This post discusses that topic.
Genesis of Sexuality (Part 3) from Be Broken Ministries.
For more videos like this, keep an eye on our Purity Posts Vimeo Channel.
Bob & Heidi Elder – Sex Addiction, Adultery from Pure Passion on Vimeo.
Bob & Heidi tell a powerful story of Bob’s secret descent into sexual addiction and adultery, even while serving as an elder at his church, and the journey taken by his wife Heidi as she struggled with the choice between divorce and forgivenness.
Now that football season is here I feel obliged to use a gridiron analogy. We’ve all heard the term “defense wins championships.” Well in football it does, in recovery it does not.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a spouse say “He just doesn’t get it.” She’s right, we don’t get it, we can’t understand the terrible pain we have inflicted. The trauma that torments her and the triggers that seem to be around every corner are foreign to us. Most of us can identify our triggers, character defects, resentments, and anything else recovery-based. We continue to live an addict-centric life. This is our biggest failure as addicts.
We seem to think that because we are in recovery and one month, six months, or maybe even a year has passed, that we never have to talk about the past, never have to answer questions about our acting out or recovery. We are appalled when our honesty is questioned and frustrated because she just can’t see why all the work we put into recovery of the last month doesn’t negate the ten or twenty years we acted out. Sound familiar?
Back to football.
On the offensive side of the ball you are probably doing great going to meetings, using your accountability partners, working the steps with a sponsor, prayer and meditation every morning. It’s great to feel like a new man. That is, until you walk in the door and she asks you “Where did you take her to have sex?” Gut punched!
How could she? I just got out of a meeting, I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing!
Watch out coach, sounds like you’re going on the defensive. A little advice if I may; Stop, breath, understand that while you have sprinted ahead in your recovery she may not be in the same place.
In the Army we have a saying, “Never leave a man behind.” Why on earth would you leave your wife behind? Answering questions, getting grilled, or listening while she vents or unloads is part of your job now. You have a duty to support your wife – period. What would it look like if you answered the questions in a calm voice with empathy. Empathy, there’s a new concept…
I know it’s not easy to comfort someone who is bringing up all the stuff that makes you cringe or cursing you out at the top of her lungs, but in order to help her you cannot play defense. Defense will not win you anything here. Stick to offense, you’ll score more points that way.
Get more help from Jeff at www.caribouministries.com.
The following is one couple’s story, shared with us in a letter. The couple gave us permission to share this letter with you. We believe it will be helpful for any couples struggling through the early stages of recovery from sexual brokenness, betrayal and distrust.
If you would like help in your marriage, please contact us at www.bebroken.com or call toll free 1-800-49-PURITY.
Our healing journey began right before our 11th wedding anniversary. My husband’s addiction began without much trauma or fanfare. No history of abuse, Christian parents, nurturing home. It just became a way for him to medicate pain and he thrived on the secrecy; the secret became a way to manipulate and control.
Throughout our marriage we had dealt with anger issues. We didn’t seem to be good at resolving conflict; we attributed this to both being the firstborns in our families of origin. Little did I know what was stirring underneath.
I knew about Rick’s porn use (and would attack him about it and try to find some new way to keep him from looking at it – not that it worked), and about every two years I’d discover that he had engaged in some kind of inappropriate flirtatious email or texting with another woman. Each time, we would read another book or take some kind of marriage class or seminar. But nothing seemed to break the cycle.
Rick had always told me that I just didn’t understand. That was certainly true! I had no idea just how deep this went. I assumed it was only behavioral, and thus something that could simply be stopped if he cared enough. I thought I could keep him on the straight and narrow by monitoring his email, checking his phone, basically waiting for a glimpse of another shoe dropping and somehow keep it from doing so. I thought I could get angry enough or cry enough for him to see how much pain he was causing me and that this would somehow make him stop. It never did. It only caused pain and resentment to build up in me over our entire marriage.
Rick finally reached a place where he felt like he was never going to walk any closer with the Holy Spirit until he laid down this addiction. He prayed with some pastors and started attending a men’s group. This was his first experience with genuine community and accountability with other guys.
After Rick’s confession, he basically shut me out of the process. He said I couldn’t walk this journey with him, that I couldn’t be his accountability partner, and that if I knew some of the things that went on in his head I would freak out. He started meeting with a male accountability partner once a week, in addition to his weekly group meeting.
Rick “shutting me out” BROKE me. I’d been stripped of everything I had been doing to “help Rick” for over ten years, the only things I knew how to do. Instead of feeling freed by that, I was absolutely terrified. Surely these guys didn’t know how Rick was, how he operated, how well he could lie. They didn’t know him like I did, so surely they couldn’t affect change or get a handle on him.
With nowhere left to go, and nothing left to do, I sought the Lord and I surrendered Rick to Him. I knew that God would walk with me through this if I would just seek him. Of course, I didn’t know at the time just how much I was going to need to lean on Him in the next few weeks and months.
I ordered three books – Breaking Free by Russell Willingham, I Surrender All by Clay & Renee Crosse, and Hope After Betrayal by Meg Wilson – and wanted to get through them as quickly as I could. Rick has always teased that “when the tough gets going, the going buys books on Amazon.” But I knew I needed more input and that, this time, buying books on Amazon wasn’t just a lame attempt to fix things.
I read the first book (Breaking Free) on a Friday night after Rick was in bed. Rick had always said, “You don’t understand addiction.” Over and over he would say this, so Breaking Free seemed like the logical place to start. It was written for the addict, but I figured I could find something useful in it and maybe start to try to understand sexual addiction.
I sobbed my way through different parts of the book because I realized my own downfalls. I realized that I hadn’t been seeking God’s nurturing and guidance regularly and that I thought Rick could meet those needs in my life. And when he didn’t, I would feel heartbroken, angry, and resentful. All those emotions would be directed at Rick for something that really wasn’t even his fault. I put up walls between us without knowing it. I failed to nurture him and to really listen to him. I didn’t extend grace to him much at all, if ever.
When I couldn’t sleep after finishing the book, I wrote him a letter, asking for his forgiveness, extending him true support as he walks through the steps of recovery, and letting him know that I accept him and love him dearly. I also let him know that I was actively going to try to redirect my dependence on him to utter dependence on the Lord. In writing this letter, the walls I had put up started to come down. I began to see Rick as God sees him, and oh, what a difference that made! That was the beginning of the forgiveness process for me, before I even knew all that I would need to forgive.
One of the important things I learned from Breaking Free was that Rick’s addiction was not about me and it wasn’t even about sex. He had told me that before, but it was hard to believe. The addiction existed before me, and it is tied to using the hormones released in the brain to self-medicate pain (in his case, shame, which manifested as severe worthlessness and an unmet need for acceptance). It was an intimacy disorder based on lies and a faulty belief system. As I read through the book, it finally sunk in.
I then read I Surrender All over the next two days, which I also found helpful. All along, I thought Rick’s attending group was so he could fix himself. Little did I know just how much changing and fixing I needed, too. That was something Renee addressed in their book, and it was so evident for me, as well. It was time for me to step up in a big way. I began seeking God daily through a Bible reading and journaling tool that our church promotes. I also attended a one-day prayer training at our church.
The next week, I started reading the last book, Hope After Betrayal. Rick had balked at the title when he saw it, which surprised me. He hadn’t thought of his addiction as betraying me (though he acknowledged the texting incidences certainly were). I told him not to assume that I was accusing him of having an affair just because I was reading a book with that title. I figured there would be useful information in the book, even if it didn’t all apply to us. O, how the Lord works! I didn’t find out until the night I finished the book that everything was applicable to me, to us, and that my worst fear had actually happened.
The last chapter of the book was written by Meg Wilson’s husband, and he wrote it in such a way as to answer some of the common questions he gets when he and Meg share their story. One of the questions was, “Do I need to know everything?” His answer was “yes and no.” Most men will only partially disclose in the beginning, hoping to spare the relationship some pain. Meg said earlier in the book that partial disclosure is more painful than no disclosure at all. Her husband warned, however, that Meg regrets knowing some of the details she requested of him. Bottom line, he needs to disclose the avenues to which the addiction has gone, but the small details can only serve to cause more pain during the recovery process.
Reading that chapter gave me the impetus to ask Rick one more time what exactly we were dealing with (I had asked a few time before and always received the “just porn” answer). After putting the kids to bed one night, I told Rick that God had worked mightily and swiftly in me the previous three weeks and that I wanted recovery to be real and complete. Furthermore, I did not want him to be attending a support group only to drop something new and devastating into my lap that would send my journey backward. I did not expect to hear what I heard next. I fear those words will haunt me forever.
I went numb and sat on the floor of the kitchen as Rick told me about an incident several years prior. It was no one we knew and no one with whom he still had contact. Just a random girl who was at his previous company for a short while. He had left her place without “finishing,” distraught about the lengths to which the lust had gone, and unable to deal with the incredible pain and shame he was feeling as a result of his infidelity.
I did not yell that night. I did not condemn. But I sobbed; absolutely sobbed. One of the first things I felt was compassion for Rick. He had carried this around for several years, and his entire healing process would have been hung up on this one thing forever. Our entire level of intimacy as a married couple would have been based on a lie, a lie in Rick’s head that whispered, “If only she knew about this.” And now it was finally out.
As hurt as I was, I needed Rick that night. I needed his presence and I needed his touch, even if there was nothing left to be said. I prayed out loud for him and for us as I cried and held onto him. That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. I can only say that the Holy Spirit knew what he was doing in me. He had been molding and shaping my heart the previous weeks to prepare me for that moment so that in the hurt and the pain I could show the grace and love of Christ to my husband. And I truly felt it. My God is mighty to save. He saved me from making a bad situation worse. I know for sure my reaction would have been completely different even just a month prior.
Rick asked for my forgiveness. I wasn’t sure what that looked like, so I grabbed my book. Meg said choosing to forgive was really more like choosing to enter into the forgiveness process. I certainly was willing to do that. I still loved my husband and was seeking reconciliation. So yes, I would forgive. Everything I had learned in the previous weeks helped me see in that moment that this incident, as devastating as it was to me, was a symptom of something much larger.
The journey from then until now has not been easy. There was another disclosure of Rick having kissed another coworker in years past. (That sent me backward for a good month or so) But God has been so faithful in this journey of reconciliation. We have seen some amazing fruit come out of our brokenness and Rick’s transparency. Our relationship has already been transformed in so many ways. I have become the safe person for Rick that he never thought I could be, and it is only because of the heart change that the Holy Spirit brought about in me. I understand so much more about God’s grace and about the new covenant that Jesus came to establish. I’m profoundly and humbly grateful for His sacrifice and incredible love for us.
God gave me a verse at the beginning of this journey, which helps me keep my emotions in perspective. It keeps the anger and bitterness at bay and helps me focus on Jesus instead of the pain:
2 Samuel 14:14b
“But God does not just sweep life away; instead, he devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from him.”
The pain has been intense, no doubt, but I know that our God is so much bigger than sexual addiction. I believe that He has a hope and a future in store for us as a couple if we continue to be faithful to Him on this journey.
Elaine Daugherty of Be Broken Ministries discusses how to handle a situation where your spouse is a porn or sex addict, but is not willing to seek outside help.
This video is part of the Hope for One Insider series. Download Hope for One’s iPhone app by searching for “Porn and Sex Addiction Support” in the App Store. Also visit our online support community at http://community.hopeforone.com.
Marriage is hard work. Don’t let anyone deceive you into thinking that marriage is all about feelings, romance, and endless smiles. While a relationship often begins with such superficial components, marriage is much deeper. Marriage is a covenant.
What is a covenant? Many think of a covenant in the same way they think of a contract, which isn’t entirely incorrect. But in today’s marketplace, contracts have come to symbolize nothing more than pieces of paper that can be altered, manipulated, or broken with little or no consequence. This is not the idea behind the definition of a covenant. A covenant is a solemn promise between individuals to commit irrevocably to the demands of the agreement. It is unalterable and affords consequences on the party who may choose to break the covenant.
God was the original covenant maker. God chose Abraham to be “the father of many nations.” But there was a slight problem with this plan. Abraham had no children and he and his wife, Sarah, were getting up in years (way up). But still God promised that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars in the sky. God made the promise, the covenant with Abraham. And God fulfilled His promise. At the age of ninety, Sarah gave birth to the promised son, Isaac, and the rest, as they say, is history.
What does this have to do with marriage? It has to do with marriage being a covenant, a promise to fulfill vows regardless of how impossible the circumstances surrounding the relationship may appear. It is a promise to love and to cherish, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, ’til death do us part. That is the covenant, not a cheap contract to be altered, manipulated, or broken. We need to recapture the essence of permanency that is woven throughout God’s institution of covenant marriage.
If marriage is meant to be permanent, how is one to deal with all those who have broken this sacred covenant through divorce? The same way God does: grace. Every person who has ever experienced the breaking of their marriage covenant through divorce has suffered consequences. These consequences vary from marriage to marriage, but they almost always involve emotional, mental, and spiritual scars. No one can break a promise without facing consequences. No one. My heart breaks for those who have faced such pain. But hope is not lost, for God is faithful to keep His promises in spite of our faithlessness.
Abraham wasn’t a perfect man. He laughed at God’s promise to provide a son for such an old man. Sarah even stepped in to “help out” in the matter by offering her maid servant to Abraham to conceive. Sarah’s maid did have a child by Abraham, which has been the source of all kinds of conflicts and consequences for generations - even to this day. But even in Abraham’s goof up, God remained faithful to His promise. God extended grace to Abraham, and He extends that same grace today to those who have broken their marriage promise, no matter what the reason.
Is your marriage in a difficult spot? Don’t entertain thoughts that want to lead you away from the covenant promises you vowed to your spouse. Whatever your failures, whatever your faults, whatever their failures or faults, God is able to empower you to start fresh and press into your marriage and be faithful to your spouse. God will never lead a couple to divorce, for that would be inconsistent with His nature as a covenant keeper. But God will convict, challenge, and heal, even the marriage that seems impossibly beyond hope. Remember, our God is the God of the impossible!
Have you broken your marriage promise through divorce? Embrace the limitless grace of God, the grace that lifts you up in the pain of your consequences and gives you opportunity to press on. Don’t allow the shame of your circumstances to prevent you from seeking God’s face and starting anew in your dependence upon Him. Renew your commitment to walk in step with the great Covenant Keeper, not allowing yourself to enter into promises you don’t intend to keep. God is not angry with you, but He does want to heal your heart and renew your hope.
Is the hard work of marriage worth it? If you embrace the attitude of a covenant keeper, then it can be a joy to work hard, knowing that the endurance you develop will reap a harvest of righteousness and peace that will last forever. If, however, you adopt an attitude that always sees your marriage with a “back door” through which you could escape if the challenges are too great, then you will continue to suffer discontent and anxiety, ever tempted to entertain thoughts that someone better might be around the next corner.
Covenant marriage removes all other options off the table, ironically making it much simpler to make decisions about how you will face the difficult challenges of your relationship. Without a “back door” you realize you must stand in, seek God’s help, and keep your promise – even when it doesn’t make sense.
“…and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him.”
– Genesis 21:1b-2
Married for Life,
jonathan
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I’ve been thinking lately about friendship and what makes it so powerful, so I thought I would share some thoughts rattling around in the tin cup of my mind. Friendship is a unique bond, somewhat hard to describe in academic terms or even to contain with words. To define friendship requires you to use words like “feel” and “kinda like” and “imagine.” But that is part of what makes friendship so powerful, it connects with a part of us that is unseen, a deep immaterial place where souls collide, yet in such a collision we find peace and rest and comfort.
Friendship has a spiritual quality to it that is also quite hard to explain, yet we have all (or most of us have) experienced this. And what is most fascinating to me about friendship is that we really can’t be everyone’s friend. Oh, we try and pass this idea off as if it is possible, but let’s face it, it’s not. And you and I know this because we have people we call friends and then there is everyone else (acquaintances, co-workers, strangers, etc.). There are special qualities that make our friendships different from our other relationships. What then are these qualities?
First, I think friendship starts with commonality. It is very difficult to be friends with someone with whom you have nothing in common. While you may not be enemies with them, you can’t really be their friends. Something draws us together with other people of similar interests, similar age, similar backgrounds or careers or culture. We connect first on what is common. In fact, it’s impossible to even meet someone without first sharing common space! Whether we meet at a church service, the gas station, or a rock concert, we must first connect on something common before friendship can emerge.
What about the idea that opposites attract?
Well, that’s all they do: attract. While someone with a different personality might catch your interest initially, you ultimately only become friends because you find common ground. A “friendship” without common ground is nothing more than a regular acquaintance, at best.
The most important shared interest to a friendship is time. You simply cannot become friends with someone without spending time with them. The depth of your friendships is directly proportional to the amount of time you spend with your friends. The term “quality time” has absolutely no meaning or relevance apart from the commitment to “quantity time.” You only get those quality moments as brief flashes on the timeline of spending many, many “lesser” times together.
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Can I even develop friendships with the pace of life what it is today?
Only if friendship becomes a life priority. It’s true that we live in a very fast paced society, with seemingly barely enough time to eat and sleep, let alone develop friendships. But when friendships begin to become a priority, you might be amazed at how little value other activities hold (like “having” to watch American Idol; it’s OK to keep eating). When you prioritize being a friend, you get a double blessing in return: less stress and a person who truly cares about you.
The second fundamental virtue of friendship is loyalty. True friends don’t bail out. In fact, you can usually determine whether someone is truly your friend by whether or not they stick with you through thick and thin. Unfortunately, loyalty is losing ground in the post-modern world. As individualism becomes our god, the mantra of society screams, “Me, me, me” without regard for fellow brothers and sisters. And thus you see fewer and fewer people in the world who taste the sweet fruit of real friendship. This saddens me because we all need friends.
I have to admit that loyalty is tough for me (but I’m getting better at it!). It’s just so easy to think of myself first and self-protect, even if it hurts those I love. But friends look out for each other, thinking of the other more highly than themselves. And what this sort of loyalty produces is powerful. The Bible even talks of such loyalty, “Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13) Loyalty fans the flames of friendship. And if you’re wondering where the flames of friendship come from, they ignite with conflict.
Real friends disagree at times. No true friendship (of any real value) is without conflict. Conflict is the test of the friendship. When you disagree with a friend (about anything) you have a test before you. Will you press through the fires of disagreement and come out the other end refined and stronger because of it, or will you jump ship and decide the friendship isn’t worth it (probably because you have the false belief that friendship should “just happen”). When you learn to argue well, to graciously concede, to fight respectfully, then you have a real good shot at developing some lifelong friendships.
Finally, the most important virtue of true friendship is love. “Friendship love” grows over time. It is rare (impossible, really) to love someone you just met. You meet because of commonality, you grow in your friendship through time and testing, and then love blossoms. This isn’t romantic love (necessarily), but rather a deep affection for someone with whom your soul has been intertwined. You’ve faced battles together (some even against each other), you’ve cried together, you’ve laughed (until you cried), you’ve shared your deepest, most intimate thoughts and struggles. Out of such a journey of friendship comes love.
It’s interesting to me how we all (and, yes I mean ALL) long for friendship, yet we often don’t believe love to be so integral to the process. It’s almost like we say, “I love my wife, but Karl is ‘just a friend’” as if Karl can’t be loved too, or that love isn’t necessary in the journey of friendship with Karl. But it is necessary! Karl needs “friendship love” as much as my wife needs “romantic love.” Love is key to building friendships. And because it is key, you really can’t have a whole lot of friends. Love is deep, not something you offer to every person you meet. Love is reserved for those cherished few who connect with your heart and choose to even love the unlovable parts of you.
So, what makes friendship so powerful? I don’t really know. (How’s that for a huge let down?!) But I believe it has something to do with a need God has placed in us for connection. We just can’t do life alone. We need at least one other person who can walk this road of life with us; potholes, blind curves, and all. Because with such a friend by our side, the road seems less frightening and the burden is much lighter.
What are you waiting for? Go make some friends…
Thankful for my friends,
jonathan
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