I come across a lot of guys in recovery from sexual addiction who are simply trying to trade one fantasy world for another. They complain about the difficulty of the journey with statements like “I wouldn’t have this problem with lust if there wasn’t so much porn in our culture” or “If my wife only had half the sex drive I do, I wouldn’t look at porn.” Blah blah blah. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but these are just lame excuses that entirely miss where the real problem lies.
I won’t deny that we do live in a sex-saturated culture. There has been an incredible increase in the amount of pornographic material in recent decades. And the types of porn being created have become more grotesque, violent, and perverse. I believe the net effect of this sexual saturation throughout all our forms of media is a numbing of our sensitivities to that which is good and pure. I liken it to moving into a house by the railroad tracks. The first few months of living there, it is obvious to all your senses when the train rolls by. But after a few years, you’ve been conditioned (i.e numbed) to its presence. The train didn’t change, only your awareness of it.
But just because there is a numbing effect from overexposure to porn doesn’t mean a sexual addict is justified in laying the blame for their addiction at the foot of pornography. That would be like someone trying to blame their obesity on cheeseburgers. (Oh, wait, that’s been tried, right?) Or saying one’s laziness is their rich neighbor’s fault. (Ah, snap, that’s been tried too!) Okay, so it seems obvious that the real problem is with taking personal responsibility for one’s weaknesses or challenges.
Listen, I’m not saying life isn’t hard and that real obstacles aren’t thrown in our way (like porn). But the real issue is never about the “thing,” it’s about the heart.
Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ [the thing] But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart [the heart].” (Matt 5:27-28)
Porn, financial crises, relationship conflicts, cars, houses, and any other thing cannot bear the blame for a person’s choice to make them an idol. When it comes to porn, lust is the real problem, not some naked pictures of people engaging in indecent acts.
The Bible says, “When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” (James 1:13-15)
Not only can we not blame porn, we can’t blame God either! God doesn’t tempt us with sin. We alone are responsible for the sins we commit. These verses even say that sin is birthed from our “own evil desire[s].” And when sin “grows up,” it kills us. But when our lives are being strangled by the sins of sexual addiction, we scramble around looking for something (or Someone) to blame. It’s time we stop making excuses for our “own evil desire[s],” and instead honestly confess our faults, seeking forgiveness and healing rather than a lame excuse to try and ease our guilt.
Thankfully, even though we must take full responsibility for the sins we commit, we don’t have to bear the full penalty we deserve. Whew! God is gracious and has compassion on us, even in our weakness and failure. He knows of all our sins. And though we alone are responsible for committing them, He chose to pay the penalty on our behalf through the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus.
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8; emphasis mine)
While we were still sinners. Jesus didn’t die for the godly. He died for sinners, for people just like you and me who find a way to keep sticking our noses in our own mess. He didn’t wait for us to clean up or get in recovery or say the right prayer. He simply showed us love by paying a debt we couldn’t. That’s grace!
The challenge is this: will you admit your guilt and receive the grace of God in Jesus? Don’t blame porn or your parents or how others have wronged you. Those are real things, but they aren’t responsible for your choice to sin. Step up and confess you blew it. Then receive the free forgiveness that God offers to all who cry out to Him in honest humility.
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:8-9)
Porn isn’t the problem, the lust in our hearts is. May we not be afraid to be honest about our faults, and grow in the grace and forgiveness of God. When we live like that, victory is sure.
