May 16, 2012

The Moment of Truth

By Jonathan

Temptation requires that you make a choice. By definition it means to lure, entice, seduce, to pull. Therefore, every time you are faced with a temptation (of any kind) you are being asked to make a choice: follow where the temptation leads or head the other direction. There is always this moment of truth with each temptation.

Sometimes when I write about a topic it seems so simple in print. Temptations come, gotta make a choice, so choose what’s right. I suppose it is that simple, but it isn’t that easy. At least not in my life. The moment of truth often feels more like an all out raging war in my soul, the Spirit of God within me faithfully assuring me that His way is best while swirling demons of darkness sink their claws into the weakness that is my flesh. And all of this is happening in nanoseconds! But just because it may feel like a war (and I believe it is!) doesn’t lessen my responsibility to make a choice in the moment of truth.

Indecision is a faith killer. God expects us to respond to His gracious provisions in our lives. He gives us eternal life freely and permanently when we trust in Christ, but He also provides “everything we need for a godly life.” (2 Peter 1:3) God doesn’t say that He gives us a godly life, but rather He gives us “everything we need” for a godly life. He expects us to respond in faith to that provision and “work out [our] salvation” (Phil. 2:12) so godliness can mature in us. This requires making choices in agreement with the truth, God’s Word. Indecision derails this maturing of faith.

This is where the grace of God comes in to help us get better and better at making right choices in the moment of truth.

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age… (Titus 2:11-12)

It isn’t the Law that teaches us to resist temptation. It isn’t our good works that teach us. It isn’t our parents or family that teach us to say no. It is the grace of God that teaches us to say no to temptation. The unmerited favor of the Creator of all things; this is what guides us and instructs us and gives us what we need in the middle of the stormy wars of temptation. He whispers in that moment, “I have redeemed you from your bondage in darkness and sin to set you on a high place, free from guilt and shame. I love you with an unfailing love and nothing can separate you from Me, even this sinful temptation you are considering. I will never leave you nor forsake you. My best is for you to turn from this temptation and walk in the Light. Your best choice is Me.”

Even though temptation requires a choice, God is faithful to give us a way out – every time!

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Cor. 10:13)

“…with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape.” God knows you will be tempted, and He is faithful to give you a way out. But you must choose. God provides the way out, but you must exercise faith to move through the exit door. When you do this over and over again with each temptation, your faith strengthens, your fear of being tempted lessens, and the grace of God is magnified.

Today you will face multiple moments of truth that will require you to make a choice. What will you choose? I suggest you choose Jesus…

Leave a comment | posted in Courage, Faith, Grace, Temptation

May 4, 2012

Recovery Isn’t Forever – But Growth Is!

By Jonathan

I am no longer “in recovery” from sexual addiction. That ship sailed about 5 years after I entered recovery in 1999. But that certainly doesn’t mean I have “arrived” or have no more need for embracing and applying the principles of living a life of sexual integrity. No, those principles are still a daily necessity; but not for my recovery. Today I engage them for growth and service.

I meet a lot of sexually broken people. And I love every one! But often I meet guys who are just flat out discouraged in their pursuit of sexual purity. They have been on the journey a while and can’t seem to get past a pretty significant hurdle. I call it the Perpetual Addict Syndrome (not recognized in any medical or psychological journals – yet!). Some individuals with “PAS” will stand up in a support group, having not acted out in months (maybe even years), and say, “Hi, my name is Joe and I’m a sex addict.” Really? I believe such thinking only keeps people locked “in recovery,” never to reach true health and growth.

I don’t think it’s that far fetched to embrace what I’m proposing; that recovery, if engaged in thoroughly, is only a season of the overall pursuit of health and maturity. In fact, it makes perfect sense if you think about it from a physical health paradigm.

Last year I underwent surgery to repair two hernias. Ouch! The surgery was outpatient and went off without a hitch. But even though the surgery was successful, my body was pretty traumatized by being sliced open. The doctors told me I would be in recovery for about eight weeks, and that it would be approximately three months before I felt “back to normal.” Today I am completely healed from that surgery and feel 100% like myself again. I would not identify myself as being still “in recovery” from that surgery. I went through a recovery process (no lifting over 10 pounds for 6 weeks, shuffling around once an hour for the first week, no driving for 7 days, etc.) and eventually reached a point of full health. Now I must simply manage my health as best as possible through diet and exercise. But recovery from that surgery is over.

Obviously, recovery from sexual addiction is much different from recovery from hernia surgery. But the principles are similar. In both instances something is not working as it should. Both require “surgery.” Healing from either will take time, focus, and new habits. But since sex addiction affects more than just the person in recovery, the overall process is broader in scope and includes the healing of relationships as well. It is no small matter and is very unlikely that a person will successfully complete their recovery in 6-8 weeks. No, this is a healing of a different kind and will take quite some time for all the wounds to close and for compulsions to cease. But it is still possible to completely recover and move on to maintaining health and pursuing growth.

The trouble I see in some models of recovery is that recovery itself is seen as the end goal. But this has about the same success rate as dieting, which is pitiful. Dieting is a facade. It’s message is to do something you hate for the shortest time possible to achieve a result that enhances self-focus. Ugh! Sometimes recovery, if it is seen as an end unto itself, can be engaged the same way. Go to group, spill your guts, put a filter on your computer, do whatever your wife tells you. Hopefully in 6 weeks you will appear a caring, transformed man who people will begin to leave alone again so you don’t have to focus on the deeper issues of your heart. Eventually, you will crash, only to end up worse than when you began – whether dieting or recovery. This is an insufficient model.

True recovery requires setting your sites on the much bigger goals of health and maturity; growing in grace and service. God is not intent on healing us of our addictions so we can stare in a mirror admiring how “fit” we look. His intention is that we become well, so we are able to help others recover and get well, so they too can help others and so on. When recovery is couched in this context it is seen as part of a much larger vision. A very integral part, but still just a part of the process, not the goal of it. The goal is growing in the grace of God to better serve others.

May we not be afraid to hold up big vision for those drowning in sexual brokenness. If we only offer them recovery, we aren’t inviting them to God’s best. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want anything less than God’s best; for me and everyone God puts in my path to help. How about you?

1 comment | posted in Hope, Recovery, Sex Addiction

April 2, 2012

Try a Media Fast

By Jonathan

April 2012 will go down in history as the month our family lived without media. Some might wonder if the members of the family will even survive. But I’m hopeful that we won’t just survive; I trust we will be refreshed, revived, and redirected for many months to come. But it’s still an unusual concept in our modern culture.

When I started telling friends and family that we were planning this 30-day media fast, the questions started flying.

“What is a media fast?”

“Is this for the whole family, or just the kids?”

“Won’t your kids revolt and make your life miserable for a whole month?”

Although this isn’t the first time we have gone without television (over the past 16+ years, 6 of those years were TV-free), this is the first time we have done a total media fast; no TV, no Internet, no gaming. And our kids are old enough now to have had some history in all those media areas. It is going to be difficult. And that’s precisely why my wife and I knew we needed to take a break.

Media influence seems subtle, until you unplug for a while. Then you realize just how much you had been drowning in it. And how much it steers us off course from God’s best for us. From sports to movies to cartoons and HGTV, the overriding message of media is that you and I deserve to be entertained and pleased. And media then promises to deliver that entitlement.

This message of entitlement can be very dangerous for someone trying to recover from sexually addictive patterns. After all, the paradigm of lust is exactly the same: give me what I want, when I want it, and anything that stands in my way of getting it will pay. So when this person enters recovery and begins to set up boundaries and discover the benefits of saying no to temptation and yes to godliness, there’s this big, yet unseen, monster fighting that process much of the way: media.

Before you assume that I have taken a sledge hammer to my television and started a website Media-is-evil-and-must-be-destroyed-for-the-devil-it-is.com, I have nothing against technology or even the mediums by which it is delivered. The primary issue for me is content and quantity. Is media a tool or is it an idol?

Tools are useful instruments that improve the effectiveness of a mission. Their use is dictated by the mission and specific tasks. Idols, on the other hand, are ungodly ideas and influences that determine one’s mission and dictate how one is to live. Tools are good. Idols are evil. When it comes to media, these lines have often been blurred. A media fast can help bring back clarity.

I can’t make you go on a media fast. And I wouldn’t be upset with anyone if they didn’t. I simply want to offer a suggestion to anyone who might be feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the screens surrounding them. Take a break. Hit the off button. Rediscover fresh air, a rolling meadow, a bubbling brook, a slow sunset. See what might happen in your relationships and to your attention span if you just unplugged from the insane pace of media for a season. You might find out that life goes on outside the screens. In fact, you might find that’s where real life has been all along…

(P.S. God’s voice often comes in clearer, too, when the noise in life is turned down…or off.)

2 comments | posted in Family, Life Issues, Media, Recovery

March 22, 2012

The 4 Pillars of Purity is Here!

By Jonathan

Well, it’s only been 10 years since I wrote the article entitled “The 4 Pillars of Purity,” upon which most of our teaching at Be Broken Ministries is based. So, I suppose it’s about time that the full length book be released. Here it is…

Order your copy today at www.pillarsofpurity.com or through Be Broken’s online store.

Synopsis

In this book readers will discover:

–The essential principles of biblical purity
–Practical ideas for daily purity
–Insightful answers to actual real-life purity questions
–Helpful resources to further growth
–Real hope for a new life

Filled with stories and personal transparency, Jonathan will take readers on a journey where they can gain the confidence to uncover secrets, understand exactly what is necessary for change, and make the move towards the life God has always wanted for them. Jonathan even guarantees readers will become men and women of purity when they implement the four pillars outlined in the book.

Order your copy today at www.pillarsofpurity.com or through Be Broken’s online store.

Leave a comment | posted in Books, Purity, Recovery, Sex Addiction

March 9, 2012

Decide Now, Not Later

By Jonathan

Today’s temptations are best handled by yesterday’s decisions.

My parents were good teachers of wisdom. As a teenager I can remember them sharing their thoughts on how to best deal with tempting situations. My dad might have said something like, “If you’re waiting to make your decision in the back seat of a car, you’ve waited too long, and you will likely make a poor one.” While I didn’t always pay attention to these incredibly profound nuggets of insight, the impression they left was deep enough to impact me now; and impact those I serve in ministry.

Our ministry serves sexually broken adults, those who have mismanaged their sexuality in some way and are reaping the consequences of their sinful behaviors. Every person who reaches out to us got in the habit somewhere along the way of waiting until they were “in the back seat” before making decisions about the use of their sexuality. And, as my dad forewarned, they made poor choices in those moments. I can relate, since I spent 13 years of my life wandering to the back seat over and over again, promising to never do it again afterward, but somehow always finding my way back. It wasn’t until I was well into my recovery that I discovered (well, rediscovered) the truth about how (and when) good decisions are actually made.

Several years into my recovery I had a pretty significant relapse, one that nearly toppled our ministry before it ever got off the ground. (I have never shared this part of my story publicly, although I do share it as part of our intensive workshops and marriage retreats, to illustrate how important discipline is in recovery, and how susceptible we all are to temptation.) It happened when I agreed to counsel a wife whose husband was sexually addicted.

My initial hope in starting Be Broken Ministries was to help everyone affected in any way by sexual brokenness. And I foolishly believed I would be the one to help them all! So, anyone who picked up the phone, sent me an email, or walked through the door, I would help. This lack of boundaries led me incrementally toward the proverbial back seat.

As I began to counsel this woman, first every 3-4 weeks, and then on a weekly basis, my emotional boundaries began to crumble. Even though from the first moment she walked through the door I knew there could be potential temptation (she was very attractive and emotionally vulnerable), I convinced myself that my mission was to help everyone affected by sexual brokenness. Over the course of a few months, office visits led to phone calls and an emotionally unhealthy bond. Finally, and thankfully, the charade came to an end with the help of my wife and our board of directors. Praise the Lord no other boundaries were crossed. But my mishandling of that temptation jarred me into reality, a place where I knew my parents were right: no one makes wise decisions in the back seat. And resisting temptation is less about the moment of temptation than it is about already having a decision in place prior to the moment.

I took a 30-day leave of absence from my ministry work to humble myself before God, my wife, my board, my church. I needed recalibrating. I needed to make some solid choices before considering getting back out on the front lines of battle. As part of that relapse recovery time, I created our Standards for Irreproachable Conduct, which still stands today as the baseline by which we conduct our ministry. I have also never counseled a woman one-on-one since that time almost 10 years ago. As a result, today’s temptations are much less daunting and fearful because wise choices were made in the healing of those prior years.

In order to be prepared for temptation, we must be preparing for temptation. Too often we live our lives like the old guy with holes in his roof, who never does a thing about them on sunny days because, well, it’s sunny! But O how he wishes he had fixed those holes when the rain comes. Folks, rain will come. Every day. And before you leap into the back seat with the enemy who promises to shelter you from life’s storms but only seeks your destruction, look up and be thankful for the roof over your head, strong and secure from all the labor invested on the sunny days.

By wisdom a house is built, 
   and through understanding it is established; 

through knowledge its rooms are filled 
   with rare and beautiful treasures.

Proverbs 24:3-4

May your life be filled with rare and beautiful treasures. Begin today by making some solid decisions for purity, ones that will help you stand strong against temptation and offer hope to others climbing out of the back seat.

If you are feeling unprepared for the storms of sexual temptation in your life, we can help.

Leave a comment | posted in Purity, Recovery, Temptation

February 2, 2012

Faith is Better than Sight

By Jonathan

I used to think the purpose of the journey of recovery from sexually addictive behaviors was to reach a point where life was easy. Not that there wouldn’t be any problems at all, just that they wouldn’t bother me, or tempt me, or mess up the picture of success in my mind. After nearly 13 years on this journey, I have wised up. It’s not about ease at all. It’s about faith.

Maybe you have heard this statement, “God is more interested in your character than your comfort.” I’ve heard that said a thousand times over the years. Intellectually, I would assent. Emotionally, I would balk. Practically, I would resist. I want comfort, man! I want the easy way, the way that doesn’t require faith. But God is more interested in my faith than even I am sometimes. And He is faithful to lead me on a journey where I trust less and less in what I can see and more and more in what He says.

For years I never saw the connection between my porn/sex addiction and “walking by sight.” The truth is porn lures us into a life of only sight – literally! It’s all about our eyes; what we can drink in, consume, lust over. Sight, sight, sight. Ironically, such “sight lust” only blinds us to faith, for faith doesn’t originate in the eyes, it starts in our ears.

“…faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ.” Romans 10:17

We need good ears to live by faith. But we live in a world so filled with “visual noise” that sometimes the still, small voice of the Lord gets drowned out. And if you’re consumed with compulsive sexual thoughts, it’s even more difficult to hear His voice. But this doesn’t mean He won’t be faithful to continue inviting you out of a life of sight into a life of faith. I have certainly seen His faithfulness to this in my life.

As I don’t have nearly the struggle I used to with sexual lust, I do still have plenty of areas in which I “walk by sight.” One such area is finances, especially concerning our ministry. I get stressed. I wring my hands, anxious about whether bills will be paid or programs will be fully funded. I let my “eyes” determine everything; my attitude, my focus, my attention to people’s needs, program direction, everything. My faith gets drowned out because my sight is telling me, “It’s impossible! We can’t go on. What’s your contingency plan? Doesn’t God care? The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” I close off my ears to the gentle whispers of God in favor of only what my eyes can see.

Now, a life of faith isn’t one of complete blindness, but we are instructed about the very specific object our eyes are to focus on in our journey of faith: Jesus. And this instruction is particularly encouraging to those of us with a propensity for addictive sin.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. ” Hebrews 12:1-3

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus.” What a beautiful picture, except for the fact that I don’t know what He looks like! Ah, yes, I almost forgot, it’s about faith. Although I can’t literally “fix my eyes” on Jesus, I can “see” through God’s Word who He is and how He walked. And I soon discover that the singular mark throughout His earthly life was that He walked by faith. He said, “…Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does… By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me.” (John 5:19, 30) So sight isn’t excluded from faith, but it does matter what our eyes are “fixed on.”

Let’s close our eyes to the things that keep us from hearing the transforming voice of our heavenly Father. When we are looking at anything other than Jesus, we are bound to eventually get off track from the abundant life only He offers. Sure, the road isn’t always easy, but wherever the Lord leads is certainly headed in the right direction, for He is good and only does what is good for His kids. And when you hit those rough patches, instead of letting your eyes feast on all that promises to comfort but only introduces doubt against God’s best, instead open your ears and let the unfailing Word of God lead you through. Because where we’re headed is a beautiful place, even if we can’t see it yet…

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Leave a comment | posted in Faith, Lust, Purity, Recovery

January 6, 2012

The Good News about Being Broken

By Jonathan

With a title like that, you may think I have finally lost my mind (or at least admitted it). But I hope you will give me a chance to expound. After all, aren’t blog titles just clever hooks to get you to read the first paragraph? Step 1, check.

Brokenness isn’t something one seeks after. And it certainly isn’t something our society values. It means something isn’t working right; fragmented and fractured. To be broken is to not be in working order. This is why we generally don’t get excited about brokenness: broken doesn’t work.

When the idea of brokenness is focused on our humanity, it makes us squirm and resist even more. But even admitting personal brokenness is a challenge for some. Our society would prefer to start with the premise that we are inherently good deep down. Way deep down. So deep down is this “goodness” that if you went looking for it you might wonder why so many adopt this idea of inherent goodness. Especially when such a dig reveals so much brokenness. In the search for good, we discover we are broken, we don’t work right.

The Psalmist explained our brokenness and lack of goodness like this:

The fool says in his heart,
“There is no God.”
They are corrupt, their deeds are vile;
there is no one who does good.

The LORD looks down from heaven
on all mankind
to see if there are any who understand,
any who seek God.

All have turned away, all have become corrupt;
there is no one who does good,
not even one. (Psalm 14:1-3)

“No one who does good.” This phrase is repeated multiple times and in various ways throughout the bible. It’s a hard truth to embrace, right? No one? Really? Apparently so. God even searches for just one human being who does good and the results come back wanting. You and I are broken. Not good.

There is good news, however, regarding our brokenness: it doesn’t have to be permanent. God is not uncaring toward our problem. He knows we are weak, sinful, and broken. He, on the other hand, is strong, pure, and holy. By His mercy He made a way for us to be clothed with His goodness so that we work properly.

But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. (Romans 3:21-24)

Faith is all it takes to be made right with God, and to have His goodness given to us. This is Good News! But what if you’ve trusted Christ and still struggle with a besetting sin?

Let’s view brokenness from two angles. First, as it’s been shown above, it is how we are flawed, sinful, fractured. It’s a core condition because of our inherent sinfulness. The bible calls this our flesh, or sinful nature. This brokenness is what separates us from God and causes us to want to do anything but good. Second, though, we could see our brokenness as a tool by which God will grow us in grace. Let me explain.

Even if you have trusted Christ, you still live in your flesh. Your sinful nature (desire to do evil) is still present. But your spirit is alive in Christ and you are seen by God as righteous by the blood of Jesus. This creates a conflict, though, in your daily life. A part of you (spirit) wants to do good, but another part of you (flesh) wants to keep living out of brokenness. I suppose God could have set things up so that whenever a person trusts Christ their flesh was abolished and they would have no more desire to sin. But He didn’t do that (freedom from the presence of sin comes in heaven). He allowed this struggle to remain. Why?

I won’t presume to have the complete answer to that question, but I do wonder if one reason He allows us to continue battling our brokenness is so that our faith grows and His power is magnified. The apostle Paul highlights this struggle and its solution in Romans 7-8. The final conclusion is that Jesus delivers us from the power of our flesh so we can live a life pleasing to God. God doesn’t apologize for our brokenness. Instead, He gives us the gift of His Spirit to heal our fractures, remind us of our value before Him, and empower us to work right.

I’m not afraid of being broken. I know God loves me, has given me His very own goodness, and allows my brokenness to remind me of my need for His power every moment of every day. That’s the good news of being broken, and I thought you might want to hear it.

1 comment | posted in brokenness, Christianity, Faith

December 12, 2011

Where’s the Justice?

By Jonathan

In recent years we have seen a flurry of convictions related to sexual misconduct. Men arrested for child pornography, indecent exposure, or sexual molestation of a minor. Even women arrested for inappropriate conduct and contact with a child. Is this new behavior, a sort of new pandora’s box being opened on sexual depravity? Or has this kind of behavior been around a long while and is only now coming to the forefront of public awareness? And where is the justice in it all? Standards for prosecution and punishment seem to fluctuate with wherever the current political winds blow.

“There is nothing new under the sun.” (Ecc. 1:9)

Lust and sexual misconduct has been around for more than just the past 50 years. God even established very specific laws surrounding sexual behavior (Lev. 18 and 20). King David committed adultery and then murdered an innocent man as a result. False gods were established in various pagan cultures that encouraged sexual orgies as part of the religious ritual. Even after some of the first churches were established following Jesus’ resurrection, there was prostitution and incest still going on with some of the members. Sexual immorality has been around as long as sin.

I come to this subject from a somewhat unique position. My history of sexual addiction included crossing legal boundaries; solicitation of prostitutes. I was never charged with a crime. I now spend my life helping others trapped in sexual addiction to find hope, freedom and a new direction in life. In this ministry, I cross paths with those who are facing the legal consequences of their addictive actions. I see all sides of the issue; as one who identifies with the charged, one who knows the possibilities of change, and one who wants justice for the offended. I feel the tug in all directions.

Most people will camp out emotionally (and legally) in just one of these areas; usually the “wants justice for the offended” camp. And I get that. Some of the atrocities that I have come across over our years of ministry have truly been gut wrenching (and retching). Children as young as 6 months old being sexually abused. Twelve-year-old sex slaves in Cambodia required to “serve” 10-12 “clients” a day. Many of these children become “useless” to their owners after just a few years due to drugs and disease. They are simply tossed aside for a newer “product.” Yes, I understand the desire for justice for these precious, wounded victims.

Some will camp out exclusively in the “possibilities of change” camp. I love this camp! It’s where God does His best work, making possible something that on the surface appears impossible. It’s also a tough camp to come through. So much brokenness. So much pain. So much work to be done to unwind all the twisted thinking and false beliefs. The depravity of sinfulness is so glaringly exposed that most people would prefer to stay in the “wants justice” camp than roll up their sleeves and help those wrapped up in sexual addiction. But thank God for those willing to help.

Finally, there are those of us who would rather not be in the “identifies with the charged” camp. The guilt. The shame. Lines were crossed, hearts broken, innocence shattered, justice mocked. Are we human or barely beasts? Is there no hope for those who cross certain lines, morally or legally? Can we be changed by more legislation, harsher penalties, swifter punishment? It’s a camp no one wants to be in, yet its membership seems to keep growing.

As I am torn, part of me residing in each of these camps, I cry out, “Where’s the justice?!” Where is it for the child in Cambodia or the teenager abused by a family member? Where is it for those trying to help sexually addicted people, but receive no help from the same organizations decrying the deeds of the addict? Where is it for those who hate themselves for their sinful deeds and want nothing more than to stop their destructive behaviors? Where is the justice?

There is only one who is just: God. He is fully righteous, equitable and morally pure. He is the perfect Law-giver, the only one with the authority to establish and execute perfect justice. In Him we find the truth, what we need for clarity and direction. In our search for justice, we need only to look to the Creator of all. But in looking to God, we might not like the answers we get (or don’t get). After all, He is under no obligation to reveal reasons. This can be frustrating, but let’s not get permanently stuck on the Why? questions. Search even deeper.

Does God care about children? Yes. Is His heart broken when these precious children are horrifically abused sexually for the profit of others? Absolutely! Is God therefore unjust because their perpetrators are not immediately held accountable for their actions in every case? No. His justice is sure, even if not executed in the timing or manner we would assume proper.

Does God love sinners? Yes. Is He grieved when He sees one of His prized creations misusing their sexuality through selfish, lustful behaviors? Absolutely! Is God then unjust because that person may engage those behaviors repeatedly for many years without swift punishment for breaking God’s moral laws? No. God’s justice is based on His character and will, not on how far we fall or how often we sin.

Can God even offer hope to someone who has violated a child or abused someone sexually for profit? Yes. Does He get angry when someone acts in such deplorable ways? Absolutely! So, is He unjust when His anger doesn’t result in the complete annihilation of such a person? No. God is slow to anger, allowing the offender opportunity to repent; all the while, never compromising His perfect righteousness.

The issue of justice really boils down to God’s holiness set against our sinfulness. God would be just, even if there were no sinfulness; it’s one of His attributes as a holy God. I believe our primary struggle with justice is not whether or not it exists, but rather whether it will be executed – and when! This is where many rage at God, not content with His handling of the pedophile or rapist or pornographer or sex addict. We want swift, immediate judgment to ease our personal suffering or our shaken conscience. But maybe we’re looking to intently at comparing the offenses against our own self-righteousness and not looking closely enough at the perfection of the One we have all offended.

I see God’s justice as a beautiful thing, a hopeful attribute. He is perfect! What hope would we have if it were an imperfect “god” promising to save us if we place our trust in him? What difference would there be between trusting in a god like than and just trusting in my imperfect neighbor, or dentist? But because the true God, the Creator of heaven and earth, is perfect and just (righteous), His promises carry the full weight of true authority and certain fulfillment (even if not on our timeframe). I therefore have hope when His Word says,

The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The LORD is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust. (Psalm 103:6-14)

And when He says, “But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus…” (Romans 3:21-24)

God’s righteousness and justice expose us for who we really are: broken sinners in need of His mercy. All sin, in any variation, is a breaking of God’s perfect law, a violation of His holiness, deserving of death. This is why Jesus died in our place. God’s execution of perfect justice against our sin was exacted on Jesus, the spotless (sinless) Lamb of God. He died the death we deserved to give us hope and the life we couldn’t earn.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing;it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Eph. 2:8-9)

The gift of God. What an unusual way to view justice: a gift. Without compromising His holiness, God made a way, through His Son Jesus, to have our penalty of sin paid in full. No cost to us. No work to earn it. Debt totally cancelled. How is such a wonderful gift received? Faith. Simply trusting Jesus as Savior, the One who appeased God’s just wrath against our sin.

Where’s the justice? It’s in Jesus. So, no matter what camp you find yourself in, may you know that God is just; He does not change. Therefore, there is hope for all who call on Him, whether an abused child, a struggling sex addict, an embittered minister, a suicidal pedophile, or self-righteous atheist. God truly provides justice for all in Jesus Christ, sharing with us His righteousness and purity. And thank God there is no law against such mercy…

Leave a comment | posted in Grace, Justice, Sex Addiction, Truth

December 2, 2011

What Your Heart Really Wants

By Jonathan

In my family, the Thanksgiving holiday weekend is traditionally when we do all our Christmas decorating around the house. This year was no different, except that it is the first year to be in our new house. We have been so excited and overjoyed to finally be living in the house that we (mostly my father-in-law!) built with our own hands. We have much to be thankful for…

So, the Saturday after Thanksgiving we pull out all the Christmas decorations. I spend time outside stringing up lights on the house. Elaine unpacks all sorts of Christmas dishes and mugs to be used for spreading much holiday cheer (and waistlines!). We all gather around the tree and begin placing what seems like thousands of ornaments onto it. While the kids are gleefully hanging ornaments, I step back and quietly sit on the couch. I drink in the moment; Christmas music playing throughout the house, lights glowing on the tree, a spirit of peace and joy all around. Then I see it.

We stood the Christmas tree in our grand room, in the center of the big windows on the front of the house. I’m sitting opposite the window, watching all the hustle and bustle of the kids decorating. It looks as if they are in a picture, the window being the frame. Then I glance up. Just above the window, scrolled on the archway on the wall, is our family verse: “He does not treat us as our sins deserve.” (Psalm 103:10) As I view this beautiful scene, my heart warms and time freezes for just a moment. I say a silent prayer of thanksgiving. I am once again reminded by God that this is what my heart has always wanted.

As Norman Rockwell as that moment was, I assure you my family isn’t perfect (after all, I’m in it!). But over the past decade God has faithfully allowed these snapshots of peace, joy, love and goodness to remind me that everything I was looking for in the darkness of my sexual addiction was phony and empty. What my heart had always wanted was genuine love built on the foundation of truth. I wonder if your heart hasn’t longed for exactly the same thing.

Love doesn’t make life perfect, but it sure is fulfilling. I’m no longer empty, anxious or searching. Love brings peace to a broken heart. Love fills in all the empty, lonely places in the shadows. Love gives you a home where you belong – and are wanted! Love forgives. Love is what your heart really wants. And love is what can set you free to enjoy a life lived in the Light.

If you are struggling with secret sexual sin, let me invite you to begin the courageous journey to finding Love. The good news is that you don’t have to travel far. God is love, and He is right where you are. His strongest desire is that you know Him; that you know His love. He will then guide you into loving relationships where you can experience the healing power of His love in community. I know it’s a scary decision to uncover secrets, but whatever you’ve tried up to this point hasn’t come close to fulfilling the deepest desires of your heart. It’s worth a try.

What will you do this holiday season with your heart and its deep longings? Will you keep trying to fill it up with lust and selfishness and greed and anything else you can grab on to in the dark? Or will you ask God to fill it with His love and the love of caring Christians? May this Christmas you see snapshots of love, and may your heart rejoice at the grace God so freely pours out over your brokenness.

He does not treat us as our sins deserve…

Leave a comment | posted in Love, Peace, Recovery, Truth

November 3, 2011

Focus More on What than How

By Jonathan

Recovery from sexual addiction is difficult. (How’s that for an understatement?) It’s a messy process that requires fundamental changes to a person’s life that previously had been left unchecked and unaccountable. Now there must be openness and honesty and community and self-examination and my goodness I’m getting exhausted just writing about it! But what I often see work it’s way to the top of the list of frustration in recovering sex addicts is that how to recover becomes more important than what needs recovering. Let me illustrate.

A guy comes into my office (let’s call him Guy). He has developed a deep sexual addiction over the past 20+ years. He was recently caught in an affair and began going to counseling and plugging into a weekly support group. It has been six weeks since he was caught, and now he sits in front of me to tell me his story and see what I have to say to him. This might be how a portion of that conversation would go.

“So, Jonathan, my wife wants to separate, my employer is weighing legal options since the affair was with a co-worker, and I’m hoping none of this leaks out to anyone in our church; my reputation would be shattered. How can fix all this?”

“What do you think needs fixing?” I ask.

“Are you serious? Have you been listening? My wife wants to leave, my job is on the line, and if this affair and the history behind it get leaked to my church, we could lose all our friends. What do you mean ‘what’ needs fixing?”

“Well, you have been married for 15 years, right?”

“Yes.”

“You have been at this company for 10 years, even getting high praise and promotions along the way?”

“Right.”

“You are a prominent member and supporter in your church and have a reputation as a selfless person.”

“Okay.”

“So, I’ll ask again, what needs fixing? It appears like you have it all together.”

“Maybe for now, but it’s on the verge of collapsing.”

“And if you can keep your job, stay married, and be the ‘good guy’ at church, everything will be fine? There wouldn’t be any need for significant, fundamental changes in your life as a man? Are you serious?”

“I guess I see your point, but how do I change?”

“Guy, you need to first focus on what needs to change before you can even consider how to change it. Let’s start peeling that onion back and see just how deep the pain, secrecy and selfishness that led to secret sin goes. Then we can talk strategies for change. Are you willing to start this journey of discovery?”

“I hope so.”

This is just one small example in thousands where well-meaning people who desire change get the cart before the horse. You cannot effectively map out strategies for recovery (“how”) until you have thoroughly identified the brokenness (“what”). But even after you uncover what needs healing in your life, you must continue to remain focused on what God wants you to do about it rather than how to do it. In fact, God emphasizes what over how a lot!

Here are just a few examples of “what emphasis” in the Bible:

 You shall not commit adultery. (Ex 20:14)

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. (Eph 5:3)

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34)

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. (Gal 5:16)

And there are many others; pray for each other (James 5:16), carry each other’s burdens (Gal 6:2), walk in the light (1 John 1:5), this is love for God: to keep his commands (1 John 5:3), My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you (John 15:12). These are the “what’s” of recovery and faith. But God is generally pretty silent on the how’s. Why is that?

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to drift from emotionally and spiritually connecting with someone when the relationship becomes more about “how” than “what?” It’s like the “system” of relationship supercedes the importance of authentic presence, interaction and, well, relating. Life becomes an endless list of boxes to check off, ensuring to everyone watching that how you live is the model of perfection (and you usually don’t mind the accolades that follow). In essence, you become a lifeless, empty image-builder; shining and spectacular on the outside, but void of any real substance or beauty on the inside.

As Jesus bluntly put it, “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.” (Matt 23:27-28)

Please don’t misunderstand me to say that how we live is unimportant or that God doesn’t value how’s (just read Leviticus sometime!). But the greater value must be placed on what needs healing and what we are called by God to be. You can never engage a healthy “how” until you have plunged to the deepest depths of humility and honesty before yourself and God. Then, out of the brokenness of the real you, a new life emerges, ready and able to follow wherever (and however) the Lord leads.

So, what needs healing in your life & what is God telling you to do about it?

Leave a comment | posted in Motives, Recovery, Sex Addiction