February 2, 2012

Faith is Better than Sight

By Jonathan

I used to think the purpose of the journey of recovery from sexually addictive behaviors was to reach a point where life was easy. Not that there wouldn’t be any problems at all, just that they wouldn’t bother me, or tempt me, or mess up the picture of success in my mind. After nearly 13 years on this journey, I have wised up. It’s not about ease at all. It’s about faith.

Maybe you have heard this statement, “God is more interested in your character than your comfort.” I’ve heard that said a thousand times over the years. Intellectually, I would assent. Emotionally, I would balk. Practically, I would resist. I want comfort, man! I want the easy way, the way that doesn’t require faith. But God is more interested in my faith than even I am sometimes. And He is faithful to lead me on a journey where I trust less and less in what I can see and more and more in what He says.

For years I never saw the connection between my porn/sex addiction and “walking by sight.” The truth is porn lures us into a life of only sight – literally! It’s all about our eyes; what we can drink in, consume, lust over. Sight, sight, sight. Ironically, such “sight lust” only blinds us to faith, for faith doesn’t originate in the eyes, it starts in our ears.

“…faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ.” Romans 10:17

We need good ears to live by faith. But we live in a world so filled with “visual noise” that sometimes the still, small voice of the Lord gets drowned out. And if you’re consumed with compulsive sexual thoughts, it’s even more difficult to hear His voice. But this doesn’t mean He won’t be faithful to continue inviting you out of a life of sight into a life of faith. I have certainly seen His faithfulness to this in my life.

As I don’t have nearly the struggle I used to with sexual lust, I do still have plenty of areas in which I “walk by sight.” One such area is finances, especially concerning our ministry. I get stressed. I wring my hands, anxious about whether bills will be paid or programs will be fully funded. I let my “eyes” determine everything; my attitude, my focus, my attention to people’s needs, program direction, everything. My faith gets drowned out because my sight is telling me, “It’s impossible! We can’t go on. What’s your contingency plan? Doesn’t God care? The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” I close off my ears to the gentle whispers of God in favor of only what my eyes can see.

Now, a life of faith isn’t one of complete blindness, but we are instructed about the very specific object our eyes are to focus on in our journey of faith: Jesus. And this instruction is particularly encouraging to those of us with a propensity for addictive sin.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. ” Hebrews 12:1-3

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus.” What a beautiful picture, except for the fact that I don’t know what He looks like! Ah, yes, I almost forgot, it’s about faith. Although I can’t literally “fix my eyes” on Jesus, I can “see” through God’s Word who He is and how He walked. And I soon discover that the singular mark throughout His earthly life was that He walked by faith. He said, “…Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does… By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me.” (John 5:19, 30) So sight isn’t excluded from faith, but it does matter what our eyes are “fixed on.”

Let’s close our eyes to the things that keep us from hearing the transforming voice of our heavenly Father. When we are looking at anything other than Jesus, we are bound to eventually get off track from the abundant life only He offers. Sure, the road isn’t always easy, but wherever the Lord leads is certainly headed in the right direction, for He is good and only does what is good for His kids. And when you hit those rough patches, instead of letting your eyes feast on all that promises to comfort but only introduces doubt against God’s best, instead open your ears and let the unfailing Word of God lead you through. Because where we’re headed is a beautiful place, even if we can’t see it yet…

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Leave a comment | posted in Faith, Lust, Purity, Recovery

January 6, 2012

The Good News about Being Broken

By Jonathan

With a title like that, you may think I have finally lost my mind (or at least admitted it). But I hope you will give me a chance to expound. After all, aren’t blog titles just clever hooks to get you to read the first paragraph? Step 1, check.

Brokenness isn’t something one seeks after. And it certainly isn’t something our society values. It means something isn’t working right; fragmented and fractured. To be broken is to not be in working order. This is why we generally don’t get excited about brokenness: broken doesn’t work.

When the idea of brokenness is focused on our humanity, it makes us squirm and resist even more. But even admitting personal brokenness is a challenge for some. Our society would prefer to start with the premise that we are inherently good deep down. Way deep down. So deep down is this “goodness” that if you went looking for it you might wonder why so many adopt this idea of inherent goodness. Especially when such a dig reveals so much brokenness. In the search for good, we discover we are broken, we don’t work right.

The Psalmist explained our brokenness and lack of goodness like this:

The fool says in his heart,
“There is no God.”
They are corrupt, their deeds are vile;
there is no one who does good.

The LORD looks down from heaven
on all mankind
to see if there are any who understand,
any who seek God.

All have turned away, all have become corrupt;
there is no one who does good,
not even one. (Psalm 14:1-3)

“No one who does good.” This phrase is repeated multiple times and in various ways throughout the bible. It’s a hard truth to embrace, right? No one? Really? Apparently so. God even searches for just one human being who does good and the results come back wanting. You and I are broken. Not good.

There is good news, however, regarding our brokenness: it doesn’t have to be permanent. God is not uncaring toward our problem. He knows we are weak, sinful, and broken. He, on the other hand, is strong, pure, and holy. By His mercy He made a way for us to be clothed with His goodness so that we work properly.

But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. (Romans 3:21-24)

Faith is all it takes to be made right with God, and to have His goodness given to us. This is Good News! But what if you’ve trusted Christ and still struggle with a besetting sin?

Let’s view brokenness from two angles. First, as it’s been shown above, it is how we are flawed, sinful, fractured. It’s a core condition because of our inherent sinfulness. The bible calls this our flesh, or sinful nature. This brokenness is what separates us from God and causes us to want to do anything but good. Second, though, we could see our brokenness as a tool by which God will grow us in grace. Let me explain.

Even if you have trusted Christ, you still live in your flesh. Your sinful nature (desire to do evil) is still present. But your spirit is alive in Christ and you are seen by God as righteous by the blood of Jesus. This creates a conflict, though, in your daily life. A part of you (spirit) wants to do good, but another part of you (flesh) wants to keep living out of brokenness. I suppose God could have set things up so that whenever a person trusts Christ their flesh was abolished and they would have no more desire to sin. But He didn’t do that (freedom from the presence of sin comes in heaven). He allowed this struggle to remain. Why?

I won’t presume to have the complete answer to that question, but I do wonder if one reason He allows us to continue battling our brokenness is so that our faith grows and His power is magnified. The apostle Paul highlights this struggle and its solution in Romans 7-8. The final conclusion is that Jesus delivers us from the power of our flesh so we can live a life pleasing to God. God doesn’t apologize for our brokenness. Instead, He gives us the gift of His Spirit to heal our fractures, remind us of our value before Him, and empower us to work right.

I’m not afraid of being broken. I know God loves me, has given me His very own goodness, and allows my brokenness to remind me of my need for His power every moment of every day. That’s the good news of being broken, and I thought you might want to hear it.

Leave a comment | posted in brokenness, Christianity, Faith

December 12, 2011

Where’s the Justice?

By Jonathan

In recent years we have seen a flurry of convictions related to sexual misconduct. Men arrested for child pornography, indecent exposure, or sexual molestation of a minor. Even women arrested for inappropriate conduct and contact with a child. Is this new behavior, a sort of new pandora’s box being opened on sexual depravity? Or has this kind of behavior been around a long while and is only now coming to the forefront of public awareness? And where is the justice in it all? Standards for prosecution and punishment seem to fluctuate with wherever the current political winds blow.

“There is nothing new under the sun.” (Ecc. 1:9)

Lust and sexual misconduct has been around for more than just the past 50 years. God even established very specific laws surrounding sexual behavior (Lev. 18 and 20). King David committed adultery and then murdered an innocent man as a result. False gods were established in various pagan cultures that encouraged sexual orgies as part of the religious ritual. Even after some of the first churches were established following Jesus’ resurrection, there was prostitution and incest still going on with some of the members. Sexual immorality has been around as long as sin.

I come to this subject from a somewhat unique position. My history of sexual addiction included crossing legal boundaries; solicitation of prostitutes. I was never charged with a crime. I now spend my life helping others trapped in sexual addiction to find hope, freedom and a new direction in life. In this ministry, I cross paths with those who are facing the legal consequences of their addictive actions. I see all sides of the issue; as one who identifies with the charged, one who knows the possibilities of change, and one who wants justice for the offended. I feel the tug in all directions.

Most people will camp out emotionally (and legally) in just one of these areas; usually the “wants justice for the offended” camp. And I get that. Some of the atrocities that I have come across over our years of ministry have truly been gut wrenching (and retching). Children as young as 6 months old being sexually abused. Twelve-year-old sex slaves in Cambodia required to “serve” 10-12 “clients” a day. Many of these children become “useless” to their owners after just a few years due to drugs and disease. They are simply tossed aside for a newer “product.” Yes, I understand the desire for justice for these precious, wounded victims.

Some will camp out exclusively in the “possibilities of change” camp. I love this camp! It’s where God does His best work, making possible something that on the surface appears impossible. It’s also a tough camp to come through. So much brokenness. So much pain. So much work to be done to unwind all the twisted thinking and false beliefs. The depravity of sinfulness is so glaringly exposed that most people would prefer to stay in the “wants justice” camp than roll up their sleeves and help those wrapped up in sexual addiction. But thank God for those willing to help.

Finally, there are those of us who would rather not be in the “identifies with the charged” camp. The guilt. The shame. Lines were crossed, hearts broken, innocence shattered, justice mocked. Are we human or barely beasts? Is there no hope for those who cross certain lines, morally or legally? Can we be changed by more legislation, harsher penalties, swifter punishment? It’s a camp no one wants to be in, yet its membership seems to keep growing.

As I am torn, part of me residing in each of these camps, I cry out, “Where’s the justice?!” Where is it for the child in Cambodia or the teenager abused by a family member? Where is it for those trying to help sexually addicted people, but receive no help from the same organizations decrying the deeds of the addict? Where is it for those who hate themselves for their sinful deeds and want nothing more than to stop their destructive behaviors? Where is the justice?

There is only one who is just: God. He is fully righteous, equitable and morally pure. He is the perfect Law-giver, the only one with the authority to establish and execute perfect justice. In Him we find the truth, what we need for clarity and direction. In our search for justice, we need only to look to the Creator of all. But in looking to God, we might not like the answers we get (or don’t get). After all, He is under no obligation to reveal reasons. This can be frustrating, but let’s not get permanently stuck on the Why? questions. Search even deeper.

Does God care about children? Yes. Is His heart broken when these precious children are horrifically abused sexually for the profit of others? Absolutely! Is God therefore unjust because their perpetrators are not immediately held accountable for their actions in every case? No. His justice is sure, even if not executed in the timing or manner we would assume proper.

Does God love sinners? Yes. Is He grieved when He sees one of His prized creations misusing their sexuality through selfish, lustful behaviors? Absolutely! Is God then unjust because that person may engage those behaviors repeatedly for many years without swift punishment for breaking God’s moral laws? No. God’s justice is based on His character and will, not on how far we fall or how often we sin.

Can God even offer hope to someone who has violated a child or abused someone sexually for profit? Yes. Does He get angry when someone acts in such deplorable ways? Absolutely! So, is He unjust when His anger doesn’t result in the complete annihilation of such a person? No. God is slow to anger, allowing the offender opportunity to repent; all the while, never compromising His perfect righteousness.

The issue of justice really boils down to God’s holiness set against our sinfulness. God would be just, even if there were no sinfulness; it’s one of His attributes as a holy God. I believe our primary struggle with justice is not whether or not it exists, but rather whether it will be executed – and when! This is where many rage at God, not content with His handling of the pedophile or rapist or pornographer or sex addict. We want swift, immediate judgment to ease our personal suffering or our shaken conscience. But maybe we’re looking to intently at comparing the offenses against our own self-righteousness and not looking closely enough at the perfection of the One we have all offended.

I see God’s justice as a beautiful thing, a hopeful attribute. He is perfect! What hope would we have if it were an imperfect “god” promising to save us if we place our trust in him? What difference would there be between trusting in a god like than and just trusting in my imperfect neighbor, or dentist? But because the true God, the Creator of heaven and earth, is perfect and just (righteous), His promises carry the full weight of true authority and certain fulfillment (even if not on our timeframe). I therefore have hope when His Word says,

The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The LORD is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust. (Psalm 103:6-14)

And when He says, “But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus…” (Romans 3:21-24)

God’s righteousness and justice expose us for who we really are: broken sinners in need of His mercy. All sin, in any variation, is a breaking of God’s perfect law, a violation of His holiness, deserving of death. This is why Jesus died in our place. God’s execution of perfect justice against our sin was exacted on Jesus, the spotless (sinless) Lamb of God. He died the death we deserved to give us hope and the life we couldn’t earn.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing;it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Eph. 2:8-9)

The gift of God. What an unusual way to view justice: a gift. Without compromising His holiness, God made a way, through His Son Jesus, to have our penalty of sin paid in full. No cost to us. No work to earn it. Debt totally cancelled. How is such a wonderful gift received? Faith. Simply trusting Jesus as Savior, the One who appeased God’s just wrath against our sin.

Where’s the justice? It’s in Jesus. So, no matter what camp you find yourself in, may you know that God is just; He does not change. Therefore, there is hope for all who call on Him, whether an abused child, a struggling sex addict, an embittered minister, a suicidal pedophile, or self-righteous atheist. God truly provides justice for all in Jesus Christ, sharing with us His righteousness and purity. And thank God there is no law against such mercy…

Leave a comment | posted in Grace, Justice, Sex Addiction, Truth

December 2, 2011

What Your Heart Really Wants

By Jonathan

In my family, the Thanksgiving holiday weekend is traditionally when we do all our Christmas decorating around the house. This year was no different, except that it is the first year to be in our new house. We have been so excited and overjoyed to finally be living in the house that we (mostly my father-in-law!) built with our own hands. We have much to be thankful for…

So, the Saturday after Thanksgiving we pull out all the Christmas decorations. I spend time outside stringing up lights on the house. Elaine unpacks all sorts of Christmas dishes and mugs to be used for spreading much holiday cheer (and waistlines!). We all gather around the tree and begin placing what seems like thousands of ornaments onto it. While the kids are gleefully hanging ornaments, I step back and quietly sit on the couch. I drink in the moment; Christmas music playing throughout the house, lights glowing on the tree, a spirit of peace and joy all around. Then I see it.

We stood the Christmas tree in our grand room, in the center of the big windows on the front of the house. I’m sitting opposite the window, watching all the hustle and bustle of the kids decorating. It looks as if they are in a picture, the window being the frame. Then I glance up. Just above the window, scrolled on the archway on the wall, is our family verse: “He does not treat us as our sins deserve.” (Psalm 103:10) As I view this beautiful scene, my heart warms and time freezes for just a moment. I say a silent prayer of thanksgiving. I am once again reminded by God that this is what my heart has always wanted.

As Norman Rockwell as that moment was, I assure you my family isn’t perfect (after all, I’m in it!). But over the past decade God has faithfully allowed these snapshots of peace, joy, love and goodness to remind me that everything I was looking for in the darkness of my sexual addiction was phony and empty. What my heart had always wanted was genuine love built on the foundation of truth. I wonder if your heart hasn’t longed for exactly the same thing.

Love doesn’t make life perfect, but it sure is fulfilling. I’m no longer empty, anxious or searching. Love brings peace to a broken heart. Love fills in all the empty, lonely places in the shadows. Love gives you a home where you belong – and are wanted! Love forgives. Love is what your heart really wants. And love is what can set you free to enjoy a life lived in the Light.

If you are struggling with secret sexual sin, let me invite you to begin the courageous journey to finding Love. The good news is that you don’t have to travel far. God is love, and He is right where you are. His strongest desire is that you know Him; that you know His love. He will then guide you into loving relationships where you can experience the healing power of His love in community. I know it’s a scary decision to uncover secrets, but whatever you’ve tried up to this point hasn’t come close to fulfilling the deepest desires of your heart. It’s worth a try.

What will you do this holiday season with your heart and its deep longings? Will you keep trying to fill it up with lust and selfishness and greed and anything else you can grab on to in the dark? Or will you ask God to fill it with His love and the love of caring Christians? May this Christmas you see snapshots of love, and may your heart rejoice at the grace God so freely pours out over your brokenness.

He does not treat us as our sins deserve…

Leave a comment | posted in Love, Peace, Recovery, Truth

November 3, 2011

Focus More on What than How

By Jonathan

Recovery from sexual addiction is difficult. (How’s that for an understatement?) It’s a messy process that requires fundamental changes to a person’s life that previously had been left unchecked and unaccountable. Now there must be openness and honesty and community and self-examination and my goodness I’m getting exhausted just writing about it! But what I often see work it’s way to the top of the list of frustration in recovering sex addicts is that how to recover becomes more important than what needs recovering. Let me illustrate.

A guy comes into my office (let’s call him Guy). He has developed a deep sexual addiction over the past 20+ years. He was recently caught in an affair and began going to counseling and plugging into a weekly support group. It has been six weeks since he was caught, and now he sits in front of me to tell me his story and see what I have to say to him. This might be how a portion of that conversation would go.

“So, Jonathan, my wife wants to separate, my employer is weighing legal options since the affair was with a co-worker, and I’m hoping none of this leaks out to anyone in our church; my reputation would be shattered. How can fix all this?”

“What do you think needs fixing?” I ask.

“Are you serious? Have you been listening? My wife wants to leave, my job is on the line, and if this affair and the history behind it get leaked to my church, we could lose all our friends. What do you mean ‘what’ needs fixing?”

“Well, you have been married for 15 years, right?”

“Yes.”

“You have been at this company for 10 years, even getting high praise and promotions along the way?”

“Right.”

“You are a prominent member and supporter in your church and have a reputation as a selfless person.”

“Okay.”

“So, I’ll ask again, what needs fixing? It appears like you have it all together.”

“Maybe for now, but it’s on the verge of collapsing.”

“And if you can keep your job, stay married, and be the ‘good guy’ at church, everything will be fine? There wouldn’t be any need for significant, fundamental changes in your life as a man? Are you serious?”

“I guess I see your point, but how do I change?”

“Guy, you need to first focus on what needs to change before you can even consider how to change it. Let’s start peeling that onion back and see just how deep the pain, secrecy and selfishness that led to secret sin goes. Then we can talk strategies for change. Are you willing to start this journey of discovery?”

“I hope so.”

This is just one small example in thousands where well-meaning people who desire change get the cart before the horse. You cannot effectively map out strategies for recovery (“how”) until you have thoroughly identified the brokenness (“what”). But even after you uncover what needs healing in your life, you must continue to remain focused on what God wants you to do about it rather than how to do it. In fact, God emphasizes what over how a lot!

Here are just a few examples of “what emphasis” in the Bible:

 You shall not commit adultery. (Ex 20:14)

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. (Eph 5:3)

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34)

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. (Gal 5:16)

And there are many others; pray for each other (James 5:16), carry each other’s burdens (Gal 6:2), walk in the light (1 John 1:5), this is love for God: to keep his commands (1 John 5:3), My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you (John 15:12). These are the “what’s” of recovery and faith. But God is generally pretty silent on the how’s. Why is that?

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to drift from emotionally and spiritually connecting with someone when the relationship becomes more about “how” than “what?” It’s like the “system” of relationship supercedes the importance of authentic presence, interaction and, well, relating. Life becomes an endless list of boxes to check off, ensuring to everyone watching that how you live is the model of perfection (and you usually don’t mind the accolades that follow). In essence, you become a lifeless, empty image-builder; shining and spectacular on the outside, but void of any real substance or beauty on the inside.

As Jesus bluntly put it, “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.” (Matt 23:27-28)

Please don’t misunderstand me to say that how we live is unimportant or that God doesn’t value how’s (just read Leviticus sometime!). But the greater value must be placed on what needs healing and what we are called by God to be. You can never engage a healthy “how” until you have plunged to the deepest depths of humility and honesty before yourself and God. Then, out of the brokenness of the real you, a new life emerges, ready and able to follow wherever (and however) the Lord leads.

So, what needs healing in your life & what is God telling you to do about it?

Leave a comment | posted in Motives, Recovery, Sex Addiction

September 26, 2011

By Grace, Failure Turns to Opportunity

By Jonathan

At our 3-day intensive workshops for men I make a guarantee to all the guys in attendance. I loudly and slowly proclaim,

“You will fall on this recovery journey. Not, you ‘might’ fall, or it’s in the realm of possibility a fall could happen. No, you WILL fall.”

Thankfully, that isn’t my closing word of encouragement to the guys at the workshop. But I want the point to be clear: no one recovers from secret sexual sin without stumbling. No one.

What, then, is a person to do when they fall? If it is inevitable, what is even the point of trying? Why would anybody sign up for more failure? It seems like “recovery” is pointless if it involves failing.

It may seem that way, until you examine more closely the process of true change and growth (i.e. maturity).

How many of us have achieved success (at anything) without failure? Anyone? Anyone? I didn’t think so. Personal growth, especially spiritual growth, is never achieved apart from falling down. If you learned to walk as a child, you did so after falling down over and over and over again. If you made the team in school, you did so after missing thousands of shots or “getting it wrong” innumerable times. Whether it be art, science, business, or politics, success is only achieved on the tail end of lots of failure. But the difference is in what those who succeeded did in response to each failure: they learned from it.

I don’t remember learning to walk, but I know that I’ve never been a big fan of physical pain. So, I’m pretty certain that every time I fell down in my attempts to walk and scuffed a knee or bumped my head on any immovable object, the resulting pain became a lesson for the next time I would be brave enough to give walking another try. Bump after bump, and bruise after bruise, I discovered balance and motor skills. In essence, each failure provided an opportunity to learn something new about what I was actually trying to achieve: walking! (And, today, even as an “expert” walker, I haven’t walked perfectly my whole life; I still stumble at times, especially after reclining for hours in front of a football game.)

What is the goal of sex addiction recovery? Is it never falling? If so, everyone who has ever attempted recovery has failed. Repeatedly.

What if the goal of recovery was growth in community; living an unhidden life in open, transparent relationships with those we love? If that’s what “running” looks like for a sex addict, at what stage do they start this journey? Marathon champion? Hardly! They’re infants, immature in both the process and the understanding of living a life of purity and integrity. Would you expect a baby to run a marathon without first learning to walk? Why, then, do we expect a sexually addicted person to develop healthy, loving, transparent relationships without first learning to “walk?”

The grace of God affords us everything we need for this difficult recovery journey. By grace, we are invited to come out of the dark and into the Light. By grace, we are free to be honest about our struggles; even our failures. By grace, our progress is not measured by our falling, but rather by choosing to get up and keep trying. By grace, every bump and bruise of failure is turned into an opportunity to learn and grow and mature. By grace, we can walk and not faint, we can run and not grow weary. (Isa. 40:28-31)

But not without stumbling along the way.

Will you embrace grace? For yourself as well as those you pass judgment on for falling? May the grace of God give you a new compassion for the many spiritual infants stumbling and falling all around (even yourself). May you see the hand of Jesus reaching out, and His gaze of encouragement and joy cast upon those who have stumbled, saying, “It’s okay. Everybody falls. Let me pick you up so you can try again…”

Leave a comment | posted in Faith, Grace, Recovery

September 20, 2011

Obedience Takes Courage

By Jonathan

The following is an article I posted a couple years ago in a now dormant blog, NoMoreRegrets.net (there’s still some good articles worth reading on it!). I hope it encourages you as you face the very real challenges of living a life of obedience to God in the midst of challenges and direct opposition.

“We must obey God rather than men!” Acts 5:29b

Obeying God will eventually clash with the culture, no matter where you live on the planet. We in America still live in a free country (mostly) and enjoy the great privilege of worshiping God freely without threat of reprisal from the government (again, mostly). But even so, to live a life of faithful obedience to God will require some tough choices.

Chariots of Fire is one of my all-time favorite movies. It tells the true story of Eric Liddell, a Scotsman who was a tremendously fast athlete and also a devoted Christian. He gained much notoriety through his athletic accomplishments while at the University of Edinburgh, even setting a world record of 9.7 seconds in the 100-yard dash. But in Liddell’s mind, he was a Christian first and an athlete second. This conviction, however, would be challenged on the largest athletic stage in the world.

The 1924 Olympics were held in Paris and Eric Liddell was to participate in two races, the 100-meter and 400-meter. The 100-meter race, however, was scheduled to be run on a Sunday, the Lord’s Day; a day of rest. Liddell had never run a race on a Sunday out of reverence and commitment to the Lord. He was now being asked to break such a commitment, and the world was watching.

He didn’t flinch. And he didn’t run. But he still won…

The 400-meter race was not scheduled on Sunday, and therefore Eric ran in it. It wasn’t his strongest event and no one expected much out of him. But as he stepped up to the starting blocks on the day of the race, an American slipped a piece of paper into his hand that had 1 Samuel 2:30 scribbled on it, “Those who honor me I will honor.” Eric ran every step of the race with that piece of paper firmly gripped in his hand. And he not only won the race, but set a new world record!

Do you think Eric Liddell enjoyed the difficulty of the decision he made in Paris in 1924? I doubt it. I’m sure his flesh rose up and wanted to run in that race, in spite of what it would have meant to his conviction before the Lord and testimony before a watching world. We have all been there. That is why it takes courage to obey the voice of the Lord. It takes guts to say “no” when everyone else is saying “yes.” But let us encourage one another, just like the American encouraged Eric, that our obedience to God will honor Him, and ultimately He will honor us.

Run the race of life with courage!

Leave a comment | posted in Courage, Faith

September 13, 2011

Sex Addiction & Adultery

By Jonathan

Bob & Heidi Elder – Sex Addiction, Adultery from Pure Passion on Vimeo.

Bob & Heidi tell a powerful story of Bob’s secret descent into sexual addiction and adultery, even while serving as an elder at his church, and the journey taken by his wife Heidi as she struggled with the choice between divorce and forgivenness.

Leave a comment | posted in Adultery, Hope, Marriage, Pornography

September 12, 2011

Why Some in Recovery Feel Hopeless

By Jonathan

If you were a soldier captured in enemy territory and held prisoner for 5 years by your enemy, would you not long to taste freedom? Of course, right? Suppose, then, one day your comrades pull off a spectacular rescue mission that bursts wide your prison door and carries you back to your home land. Could you even begin to describe the joy, the elation, the pure abundance of grateful emotion from no longer being under the dominant, oppressive restraint of your enemy? It would be heavenly. I used to think this would be the case for those in recovery from sexual addiction. I was sad to find that I was wrong.

I’ve lost count of the numbers of men I’ve met in recovery who still live in a cloud of hopelessness and despair. I mean, they’re doing the work, attending groups, setting up appropriate boundaries, everything a well-meaning recovery program teaches them to do. But somehow there’s no sense of freedom, of the chains being removed and them coming home to a land where loved ones have long awaited their rescue. Why is this the case for so many in recovery?

I believe much of this hopelessness can be boiled down to a terrible phrase that gets tossed about in recovery circles as if it were the holy grail of what one must understand if they are going to do recovery “right.” The phrase?

“Once an addict, always an addict.”

I cringe every time I hear it. It’s toxic, false, and a primary obstacle for so many longing for the freedom that recovery seems to promise, but isn’t delivering. The phrase drips with despair, placing a label upon you that you must carry the rest of your life. It’s probably just a matter of time until addicts must ring a bell and shout, “Unclean!” before entering public places.

If you adopt this statement, and embrace the philosophy behind it, you will never taste freedom. You can’t know hope or joy or peace. Such a belief of despair will hang around your neck, always reminding you that you’re “marked,” diseased, unchosen. It becomes a prison unto itself, no need of real walls or steel bars or shackles. It is plenty strong to paralyze you in despair, setting you adrift farther and farther from true recovery.

The craziness I find in this statement is that we would never apply it to other areas of life. Imagine a doctor diagnosing a patient with obesity and issuing a prescription of diet and exercise only to conclude by saying, “But, as we all know, once a fatty, always a fatty.” What?! Or suppose a 6th-grade math teacher tells one of her students who is flunking, “Here’s some extra work for you to make up your grade, but the truth is, once a failing student, always a failing student.” Do you see the absurdity of such “logic?” All it can do is prevent freedom, not promote it.

So many want to point to human nature, sociology, even psychology, to support the “once an addict, always an addict” idea. Example after example can be given of people in recovery from any kind of addiction who relapsed. This becomes their conclusive evidence that it is in the “nature” of the addict to always function as an addict (forget the fact that thousands of addicts are living free from their former addictive compulsions). And many who promote various recovery programs support this “it’s in their nature” idea. Which, to me, is diabolical exploitation. In one breath, an addict is being told to sign up for their recovery program to break free from the dark shackles of addiction. In the next breath, they are being told freedom is actually an impossibility because “once an addict, always an addict.” Detestable!

Freedom is possible! There IS hope of a new identity, not one wrapped up in porn, lust, selfishness and anger (2 Cor. 5:17). Addiction no longer needs define you. And you don’t have to let others try to keep you shackled there either (Psalm 118:5-7). If you are part of any program that promotes this idea of “once an addict, always an addict,” run for your life! Don’t allow such negative, hopeless drivel keep you from the sweetness of true recovery. Freedom is a beautiful thing, and it won’t come without a struggle to let go of poor coping and engage healing from deep hurts. But it’s worth it to walk in a new identity, one who is cherished by God, loved by friends, and free to serve and help others.

Would you like to be free? Contact us today for help. We would love to hear your story and help you break free from the shackles of hopelessness…

Leave a comment | posted in Hope, Purity, Recovery, Sex Addiction

September 7, 2011

Grace: It’s Better to Give than Receive

By Jonathan

Humility is essential to mature in wisdom and compassion. Pride ever blocks us from becoming agents of grace to lost and broken friends and neighbors.

I watched a movie lately that struck a cord deep inside me, one that hadn’t been moved in quite some time. This movie dealt with issues of racism, death, selfishness, hate, and even grace. I didn’t expect the core of my being to be rattled by a mere movie. After all, aren’t movies simply for entertainment? Apparently not all movies. At least not The Grace Card.

The story follows the lives of two cops, Mac, who is a white racist, still bitter over the tragic death of his son 17 years earlier, and Sam, a black part-time preacher hoping to soon hang up the badge for his “true” calling, full-time ministry in the pulpit. They unexpectedly get thrust together as partners while Sam awaits a transfer due to a promotion on the force. Neither are thrilled with the arrangement. But both are right where God wants them, the place where grace most often thrives: suffering.

Mac’s racism challenges everything Sam preaches about on Sunday but struggles to live out the rest of the week. How can God expect Sam to love someone who is so deliberately unlovable? As the story unfolds, there are multiple opportunities for Sam to extend grace and for Mac to receive it. But just as is true in real life, not all those opportunities end well. In fact, at one point they both just throw up their hands in frustration, neither wanting to give or receive anything good in the partnership. Often the effects of grace are not immediate.

Without spoiling the movie, I will say that grace ultimately wins in a profound way, a way that struck that cord deep in my soul. It wasn’t so much that grace “won” as it was in how that victory came about, as if the avenue of grace was even more important than it’s ultimate effect. Grace won because it was given away.

I cannot count the number of ways in which God’s grace has blessed my life. I’ve tried. But His grace is simply too vast, to rich, to perpetual. Wave upon wave wash over my life and I am literally consumed by the beauty and kindness of God’s grace. But, unfortunately, I probably could count the number of ways I have given grace. It’s difficult and unnatural to love the unlovable or be kind to hateful souls. But loving the lovable isn’t grace, it’s just natural and expected (and easy). God wants to draw us out of the shadows of what is comfortable and natural, to be His agents of grace to people unlike us, who don’t care for us, who might even hate us. Those are the souls He wants us partnered with, divine appointments of suffering that demand grace be given.

I needed that cord in my soul struck. It had been too long since it vibrated, reminding me that a quest for comfort is not the way of grace. Jesus never alienated himself from suffering, from humanity, from the broken or angry or bitter. He knew better than any of us that grace is meant to live in such connections, to be given most freely to the most undeserving, even those who spit in our face and utterly reject such kindness. I pray my soul never stops resonating with this simple truth: it’s better to give grace than to receive it.

 I promise to pray for you every day, ask your forgiveness, grant you the same, & be your friend always.

1 comment | posted in Faith, Grace, Religion