July 2008 E-News: The Power of Friendship

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The Power of Friendship

by Jonathan Daugherty

I’ve been thinking lately about friendship and what makes it so powerful, so I thought I would share some thoughts rattling around in the tin cup of my mind.  Friendship is a unique bond, somewhat hard to describe in academic terms or even to contain with words.  To define friendship requires you to use words like “feel” and “kinda like” and “imagine.”  But that is part of what makes friendship so powerful, it connects with a part of us that is unseen, a deep immaterial place where souls collide, yet in such a collision we find peace and rest and comfort.

Friendship has a spiritual quality to it that is also quite hard to explain, yet we have all (or most of us have) experienced this.  And what is most fascinating to me about friendship is that we really can’t be everyone’s friend.  Oh, we try and pass this idea off as if it is possible, but let’s face it, it’s not.  And you and I know this because we have people we call friends and then there is everyone else (acquaintances, co-workers, strangers, etc.).  There are special qualities that make our friendships different from our other relationships.  What then are these qualities?

First, I think friendship starts with commonality.  It is very difficult to be friends with someone with whom you have nothing in common.  While you may not be enemies with them, you can’t really be their friends.  Something draws us together with other people of similar interests, similar age, similar backgrounds or careers or culture.  We connect first on what is common.  In fact, it’s impossible to even meet someone without first sharing common space!  Whether we meet at a church service, the gas station, or a rock concert, we must first connect on something common before friendship can emerge.

What about the idea that opposites attract? 

Well, that’s all they do: attract.  While someone with a different personality might catch your interest initially, you ultimately only become friends because you find common ground.  A “friendship” without common ground is nothing more than a regular acquaintance, at best.

The most important shared interest to a friendship is time.  You simply cannot become friends with someone without spending time with them.  The depth of your friendships is directly proportional to the amount of time you spend with your friends.  The term “quality time” has absolutely no meaning or relevance apart from the commitment to “quantity time.”  You only get those quality moments as brief flashes on the timeline of spending many, many “lesser” times together.

Can I even develop friendships with the pace of life what it is today?

Only if friendship becomes a life priority.  It’s true that we live in a very fast paced society, with seemingly barely enough time to eat and sleep, let alone develop friendships.  But when friendships begin to become a priority, you might be amazed at how little value other activities hold (like “having” to watch American Idol; it’s OK to keep eating).  When you prioritize being a friend, you get a double blessing in return: less stress and a person who truly cares about you.

The second fundamental virtue of friendship is loyalty.  True friends don’t bail out.  In fact, you can usually determine whether someone is truly your friend by whether or not they stick with you through thick and thin.  Unfortunately, loyalty is losing ground in the post-modern world.  As individualism becomes our god, the mantra of society screams, “Me, me, me” without regard for fellow brothers and sisters.  And thus you see fewer and fewer people in the world who taste the sweet fruit of real friendship.  This saddens me because we all need friends.

I have to admit that loyalty is tough for me (but I’m getting better at it!).  It’s just so easy to think of myself first and self-protect, even if it hurts those I love.  But friends look out for each other, thinking of the other more highly than themselves.  And what this sort of loyalty produces is powerful.  The Bible even talks of such loyalty, “Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)  Loyalty fans the flames of friendship.  And if you’re wondering where the flames of friendship come from, they ignite with conflict.

Real friends disagree at times.  No true friendship (of any real value) is without conflict.  Conflict is the test of the friendship.  When you disagree with a friend (about anything) you have a test before you.  Will you press through the fires of disagreement and come out the other end refined and stronger because of it, or will you jump ship and decide the friendship isn’t worth it (probably because you have the false belief that friendship should “just happen”).  When you learn to argue well, to graciously concede, to fight respectfully, then you have a real good shot at developing some lifelong friendships.

Finally, the most important virtue of true friendship is love.  “Friendship love” grows over time.  It is rare (impossible, really) to love someone you just met.  You meet because of commonality, you grow in your friendship through time and testing, and then love blossoms.  This isn’t romantic love (necessarily), but rather a deep affection for someone with whom your soul has been intertwined.  You’ve faced battles together (some even against each other), you’ve cried together, you’ve laughed (until you cried), you’ve shared your deepest, most intimate thoughts and struggles.  Out of such a journey of friendship comes love.

It’s interesting to me how we all (and, yes I mean ALL) long for friendship, yet we often don’t believe love to be so integral to the process.  It’s almost like we say, “I love my wife, but Karl is ‘just a friend’” as if Karl can’t be loved too, or that love isn’t necessary in the journey of friendship with Karl.  But it is necessary!  Karl needs “friendship love” as much as my wife needs “romantic love.”  Love is key to building friendships.  And because it is key, you really can’t have a whole lot of friends.  Love is deep, not something you offer to every person you meet.  Love is reserved for those cherished few who connect with your heart and choose to even love the unlovable parts of you.

So, what makes friendship so powerful?  I don’t really know. (How’s that for a huge let down?!)  But I believe it has something to do with a need God has placed in us for connection.  We just can’t do life alone.  We need at least one other person who can walk this road of life with us; potholes, blind curves, and all.  Because with such a friend by our side, the road seems less frightening and the burden is much lighter.

What are you waiting for?  Go make some friends…

When Lost Men Come Home
by David Zailer

In this book, David Zailer shares his personal story of pain, darkness, and eventual redemption from sexual addiction.  More than merely a testimonial, this book goes beyone recovery and gets to the heart of a truly transformed life.  You will be challenged and changed by reading this book.

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Real Question:

My husband wants to use sex toys.  This has never been part of our 20-year marriage.  I just recently discovered that he has had a decades long secret of pornography use.  Is this problem (wanting to use sex toys) normal after years of porn and self-sex?

Real Answer:

Sure, this can be part of the progressive nature of sexual addiction - it always leads to dissatisfaction.  In a healthy sexual relationship in marriage, contentment is the cornerstone.  There is total acceptance, love, enjoyment, and satisfaction in your spouse, regardless of body shape or age (which happens to us all!).  Porn and self-sex foster a false belief that sex is about ME!  This is fundamentally opposed to God's design for sex, which is something to be given as an unconditional gift to one's spouse.  It is other-focused, not self-focused.  Therefore, your husband has bought the lie of porn that sex is all about him; getting what he wants, when he wants it, and how he wants it.  This only leads to discontentment.
 
Are sex toys in marriage biblically acceptable?
 
This is a good question, but I need to disconnect it a bit from the previous one.  Because if I answer this question as if it were attached to the previous one, I would say NO, sex toys are not acceptable (because of the self-centered paradigm in which your husband wants to introduce them into your bedroom).  But as a question on its own, there is no specific prohibition of such things in the Bible.  However, for a more complete answer on this, see our answer to a similar question about oral sex (click here).  The following are the guidelines I tell all couples when it comes to healthy sex in marriage:

Is the activity moral?
Is the activity mutually agreeable?
Is the activity mutually pleasurable?
Is the activity fostering oneness of body and spirit?

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