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Purity Spotlight
Why So Many Disappointments?
I had a colleague mention to me a study he recently read that found the average American is faced with roughly twenty disappointments each day. These disappointments can range in severity from getting caught at a red light on the way to work to finding out your spouse wants a divorce. His comment got me thinking about the very real truth that disappointment is a fact of life. I can't say it has been an entirely pleasant array of thoughts, but it was ultimately very encouraging. I hope you also will be encouraged by the lessons I am learning about the value of disappointments.
Over the past week I have examined my own life and tried to be aware of the various disappointments I face on a daily basis. It has been a rather enlightening examination. And the statistics seem to bear out in my personal life; about 20 disappointments daily. I forget to set the alarm so I start off the day thirty minutes behind. I stub my toe in the dark as I fumble around for clothing and shoes. I look at my to-do list at the end of the day and realize I barely completed half of it. I expect my two o'clock appointment to begin on time, but instead it starts fifteen minutes late. Then I have to make it across town for another meeting, only to run into traffic due to a stalled vehicle on the road. Over and over again my life is met with varying degrees of disappointments. And I am left with choice after choice of how I will manage them.
I must admit that I have a long way to go before I reflect Christlike character in my management of life's numerous disappointments. But I think I'm growing (at least in my understanding of them, anyway). In dealing with thousands of sex addicts, I have come to realize that much of what drives us to act out sexually is born out of mismanaging disappointment. Sex addicts come to believe (falsely) that sex is their greatest need and that life should generally go their way. Any obstacles (disappointments) that come in the way of such goals only intensify the lustful desires to act out. And since such behavior never satisfies the deep longings of our hearts, we are faced with yet another disappointment. Thus, the cycle only continues.
Some out there may say, "What you just described is how you make your way in life. You face the obstacles to your goals and intensify your fight to overcome them. That's called getting ahead." I would argue that such thinking for a Christian is called "getting stuck." The aim of the Christian life has never been to "get ahead," but rather to "remain under." Jesus said, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:5) Never once does Jesus instruct us to "get ahead" in our lives. His instruction is always about remaining under the authority, grace, and power of God. As he said to his disciples, "Follow me."
I do not intend to make light of the disappointments you might face in life. They are real. They are tough. But they have a purpose. I used to believe that disappointments were from the devil. I now believe that the majority of the disappointments I face are from the merciful hand of God, used as powerful opportunities to grow me up into maturity. James, the brother of Jesus, put it this way, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds (disappointments!), because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-3) Trials, or disappointments, are actually wonderful opportunities to develop endurance that leads to spiritual maturity. Is this how you see the various disappointments in your life? As opportunities for spiritual growth?
I want to encourage you today to consider a different perspective on the disappointments you face in life. Rather than seeing them as nagging hindrances to your "get ahead" agenda, begin to view them as merciful gifts from God which allow you to grow into the man or woman God designed you to be: mature and complete, not lacking anything. God can take the most frustrating of disappointments and use them to mold you into the very image of His Son. Will you let Him perform this miracle in you the next time you are disappointed?
Real Answers to Real Questions
Real Question: My husband had multiple affairs over our 25+ years of marriage. We are now divorced and I have heard he is seeing a much younger and prettier woman. He said the divorce was my fault because I wouldn't give him enough sex and he is certain he will not cheat on this new woman. Could it have been my fault? Can he be faithful to this other girl?
Real Answer: Thanks for contacting us. I am so sorry to hear about the difficult year you have had. I can only imagine the pain and confusion you must be enduring. I truly hurt for you...
Let me assure you that you were not the cause for your husband's affairs!! Many men attempt to justify their selfish, sinful behavior by blaming their wives for not meeting their "needs" and so they decide to look elsewhere for "true" satisfaction. Baloney! Every marriage consists of two imperfect people. So, while you certainly didn't (couldn't) do everything perfectly as a wife, your imperfection is NEVER an excuse for your husband to cheat on you (once, let alone over a dozen times!). You are NOT at fault for his self-centered behavior. And I truly feel sorry for this other woman he is choosing to marry - she has no idea the pain she is in for.
To answer your question about whether or not your husband can be faithful to this other woman, I don't know. Only time will tell. But my gut tells me that with his track record of utter self-centeredness it is only a matter of time before he bores of his new, imperfect wife and begins his search once again for the never-to-be-found perfect mate.
I want you, if you haven't already, to get plugged into some support with those who can encourage you and speak truth into your life. Shame is a very real threat to your peace and happiness at this point. It is OK to feel low, hurt, angry, afraid, and all other sorts of negative emotions that come as the result of this sort of pain. But I also want you to be very careful to protect yourself against the lies of shame. It is one thing to feel the legitimate pain of your situation. It is quite another thing to beat yourself up with lies about your worth and value. Though you are imperfect (as we all are), you are not therefore worthless. God loves you just the same today as He did 30 years ago. And your value before Him never changed - you are priceless!
For additional help, visit our Help for Wives section of our website at http://www.bebroken.com/bbm/help/wives/index.shtml.
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Do you have a real question you need answered? If so, email it to us at questions@bebroken.com.
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