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Purity Spotlight
Embracing Chaos
Life is FULL of disruption. Live for any amount of time on this planet and you will encounter circumstances that interrupt your life - whether positively or negatively. Disruption is a fact of life. So I wonder why so many of us walk through life with a chip on our shoulder expecting that life should be smooth and obstacle-free? Could it be we really don't understand the benefit of chaos?
As Christians we often forget that God saved us to change us. He did not rescue us from our dungeon of despair and wickedness simply to mark our name off some checklist. No, He saved us in order to change us. More specifically, He saved us so that we might be conformed to the image of Jesus Christ (Rom. 8:29). There is only One who brings justification for sins before God and his name is Jesus Christ. Therefore, as believers in Jesus, the more we reflect Christ in our lives, the more we please God. This process of change, however, requires embracing chaos.
Just so we will be on the same page when we are talking about chaos in the context of change, let me share with you what this process of change looks like (adapted from the theories of Virginia Satir, a twentieth century therapist):
1. Old Routine (how you do things right now that aren't reflective of the character of Christ - i.e. pride, addiction, etc.)
2. Awareness of the need to change
3. CHAOS
4. Practice
5. New Routine
The key turning point in change is chaos. Quite often when God challenges us in a particular area of thinking or behaving, we resist such a challenge because it seems like life gets worse. You know what? It usually does! This is chaos.
God may convict you about your secret sexual sin and you realize you need to do something about it. You meet with a counselor or join a support group. You begin to seek out help for your problem. You confess your sin to your spouse and maybe a few friends. You know in your heart you are doing the right thing, but your life and relationships seem to get worse. Your spouse lashes out at you for your self-centered, secret lifestyle. Your friends don't call as much and seem aloof when you are around them. You feel more agitated and on edge than usual. Because of all this discomfort you begin to believe that "recovery" isn't working, and soon return to your old habits, only now you sink deeper into secrecy and despair.
The truth is that such chaos, frustration, and "disruption" is precisely the road to change and freedom. We falsely assume that because the road got difficult that somehow we aren't on the right path. But Jesus even promised that the road would be tough, "In this world you will have trouble..." (John 16:33) What we must keep in mind, however, is that such chaos and trouble are not present simply to create distress in our lives. Chaos and trouble are opportunities to trust God and peel away another layer of ourselves that hinders the character of Christ from reflecting on to others. This is the "benefit" of chaos.
Is it hard to see chaos as a good thing? Sure it is. It is only natural for us to resist difficulties and disruptions in our daily lives. But constantly resisting chaos, as if you deserve a life without difficulty, will only prolong your process of change and delay your enjoyment of walking by faith. God really is good, and he really does have what is best in mind for us. And His best almost always includes seasons of chaos.
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Real Answers to Real Questions
Real Question: My boyfriend and I have spoken about marriage recently, but I found out that he has a problem with pornography. I don't feel pretty anymore around him, but I don't want to leave him. How should I respond to him? Do I break up with him, or what? I just don't know what to do and could use some advice...
Real Answer: You ask a great question and I'm glad you are asking these questions before diving into the very real commitment of marriage.
Keep in mind that your boyfriend's struggle with porn and lust is not actually about you. In other words, your beauty is not going to affect whether or not he has a problem. He developed this problem long before he met you (usually around 9-11 years old), so you are not the problem. This is important to understand because otherwise you may attempt to "fix" him by making yourself more attractive, or being more sexual around him, or thinking that you have the power to "heal" him.
As far as what you need to do at this time, my suggestion would be to wait and watch. This doesn't necessarily mean that you must "break up," but it does mean that he needs space and time to intensely focus on his recovery. And if you are still very much in the picture he may not have the right motives for seeking his recovery ( i.e. doing what he must do to "win" you back, etc.). A good plan may include setting a period of time to "cool off" the relationship so that you both can work on individual junk. He works on his addiction, you work on grief and forgiveness (tough stuff!).
In all this, pray for him. It is a long journey to heal from the damage of sexual addiction, but it is one worth the effort. He will have to heal in order to lay the ground work for living each day in sexual purity. Healing is only the beginning - for both of you. It is good that you are both wanting to attack this issue before getting married.
Be careful not to look for "perfection" in your boyfriend during this process. Look instead for active movement toward progress. Recovery is continual if it is sought properly. We are always moving, either forward or backward, never standing still. So, be watching him (over time) to see if he is growing in his active pursuit of purity. If so, chances are good that you can lay a solid foundation for a very healthy marriage based on honesty and trust.
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Do you have a real question you need answered? If so, email it to us at questions@bebroken.com.
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Featured Resource
Hope CD
Produced by David Teems & Barry Piacente
HOPE combines the beauty and reflective emptiness of a solo piano with well chose scriptures. This recording is well suited for finding a moment's solitude and peace in the midst of all the gathering noise of this age.
To listen to a MP3 sample, click here.
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