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Purity Spotlight
Why Perfection is NOT the Goal
by Jonathan Daugherty (jonathan@bebroken.com)
I struggle with the "perfection model" of recovery. This model presumes that the goal of my work toward sexual sobriety is to achieve perfect behavior in my resistance of lustful temptations. It sounds like a solid model and one that would represent noble goals. But, in actuality, it isn't the model God has for us.
When I first began on the road to purity seven years ago, my approach toward my sexual addiction was pretty simple. In my mind I saw two "sides" of me divided right down the middle. On the one side were all the horrible acts of addiction I had committed for over 13 years. On the other side were all the behaviors that I assumed were pure because they were the direct opposites of those on the other side. I would examine all the old, impure behaviors and assume that "righteous living" was simply not doing those things any more. But such thinking was only partly true.
This type of approach to recovery and purity led me down the path to the "perfection model." Even today, I still struggle with this model. I am tempted to present myself as less broken than I really am, to "dress up" all the warts and blemishes on my heart, and even hide entire landscapes of my mind that are dark and desolate. What I have found to be true of the perfection model, however, is that it not only doesn't work, it actually makes things worse.
If you adopt an approach toward purity that assumes you must strive for perfect behavior, you will most definitely become frustrated on your journey and likely even begin to distance yourself from God and others. The more you "try and try" to achieve this unrealistic goal of perfection, the more you slip into self-deception and fall headlong back into old patterns of addiction. God never expects you or me to behave perfectly. (read that again, it might not have sunk in)
An enormous disservice the church has done to fellow Christians is to create the false idea that God expects, even demands, perfect behavior from us. If that were true, or even possible, what would have been the point of Christ's sacrifice on the cross? Where would our need be if we could actually attain perfection ourselves? We would have no need! Thus, perfection is NOT the goal of recovery. Why? Because it is impossible for us to achieve such an end and it eliminates the necessity of God.
If perfect behavior is not the goal of recovery from sexual addiction (or any sin), then what is the goal? Relationship. God designed us to live in dependent relationship with Himself. He longs for our consistent, continual surrender to Him. He knows our needs, has the resources to meet them beyond our imagination, and desires to interact with us on an intimate basis. When the goal of recovery shifts from perfection to relationship we can begin to enjoy the process of pursuing purity because the focus is not on us (and all our glaring insufficiencies), but rather on the inexhaustible sufficiency of God.
So, my challenge to you is to begin making a significant shift in your thinking as you continue your pursuit of purity. Rest in the sufficiency of God's grace. Stop striving to accomplish something you were incapable of achieving in the first place. Cling to Christ. His perfection will be reflected more and more in your life as you relate more intimately with Him.
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Respond to this article here.
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Real Answers to Real Questions
Real Question: Jonathan, I have been reading your testimony and have had some time to think about my need for some help for a sex/lust addiction. I recently went through a divorce and the pain of being disconnected from my wife and being part of a church that fell apart, I began to use pornography to deal with the pain. This is a behavior I developed as a young boy when my parents got a divorce.
This addiction is really dogging me and I do not seem to be able to totally break free. Although at the moment I am not abusing, I feel like God has run out of grace for me and I know he has a plan for my life.
Whatever advice or help you could give me would be appreciated. Thank you for your honesty.
Real Answer: Thanks for emailing me and being honest about where you are in your life. I know very well what it feels like to lose hope and think that God is "through" with you. I struggled (and still do from time to time) with anger, doubt, and fear toward God. I thought He was harsh, just waiting for me to screw up so He could punish me. Thankfully, I was totally wrong.
Christians are not perfect. We carry wounds from years past, we struggle to keep our eyes focused on Jesus, and we just plain want to give in to our evil desires every now and then. These are realities of being human...even a saved by grace human. The good news is that because we are saved (God adopted us eternally into His family when we accepted Jesus as our Savior) we can never be lost again. God never "returns" one of His children - even the kids who keep trying to pull away through rebellious behavior. He is a Good Father; patient, kind, and forgiving. He wants us to succeed even more than we do.
The first step in breaking free from the dungeon of shame (and that is where you are if you are believing that God can run out of grace for you) is to admit you are broken. Sounds like you are already doing that, so this is a positive step. Once you acknowledge that you are broken, wounded, and don't have all the answers, then you can begin to discover where all the wounds are in your life. You mentioned divorce, both your parents and yours, as having a powerful impact in causing you to want to seek comfort through porn. This is a point of woundedness.
Most of us learn to avoid pain at all cost, thinking pain is the enemy. But as you learn more about God, you learn that pain isn't the enemy, but rather simply an indication of a need for healing. But healing never occurs by avoiding the wound. Healing begins by going into the wound and removing the dirt and filth, cleaning infections of bitterness and lies, and letting God touch it at the deepest point with His healing grace. This is the process we must become accustomed to in order to grow in wholeness and health. It isn't easy, but it is necessary.
I'm going to have our office mail you two resources that I think will help get you started on the road to freedom and peace. The first is a short workbook entitled Understanding Shame. This will help you identify the lies you have believed and how to combat them with the truth of God's Word. The second resource is a powerful book entitled Transforming Grace by Jerry Bridges. This book will help you get a better grasp on God's grace and how it can truly transform your life when you "get it."
As the old hymn proclaims,
"Wonderful grace of Jesus, greater than ALL my sin."
And the refrain boasts,
"All-sufficient grace for even me;
Broader than the scope of my transgressions;
Greater far than all my sin and shame;
O magnify the precious name of Jesus, praise His name!"
Praise His name for the wonderful, matchless grace He has given to you and me...
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Do you have a real question you need answered? If so, email it to us at questions@bebroken.com.
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Featured Resource
Transforming Grace
By Jerry Bridges
Funny how the exceeding riches of God's grace seem to run out the moment we're saved. From then on, we tend to base our relationship with Him on our performance rather than on His grace. Of course, God still deals with us on the basis of His grace, whether or not we understand it. The product of over 10 years of Bible study, Transforming Grace is a fountainhead of inspiration and renewal that will show you just how inexhaustible and generous God's grace really is.
click here for more info
