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Purity Spotlight
Healing Damaged Emotions
by Jonathan Daugherty (jonathan@bebroken.com)
What happens when your heart is wounded? It doesn't take long in life to experience disappointment, anger, fear, or pain. Life isn't easy and even the most well meaning people can hurt us. But how can we heal from the damage these wounds inflict on our emotions?
In order to effectively answer this question I think one must first understand the most common responses to pain. I believe there are three primary ways in which a person responds to pain.
1. Retaliate - many individuals simply fire back when fired upon. If you disappoint them, they may look for an opportunity to disappoint you in return. Or if someone makes a derogatory comment toward you, you hurl an insult back. This form of responding to pain is very common and is even justified by Christians by misinterpreting the "eye for an eye" principle.
2. Retreat - some have learned to respond to pain by withdrawing. If assualted with insults or disappointment strikes, these individuals move as far away as possible from the source of the pain. They avoid pain at all costs and, if a Christian, have even equated pain with "unrighteousness" or being out of favor with God.
3. Reflect - a few brave souls learn to view pain in their lives as an asset rather than a liability. They feel the pain, discover its source, and seek to learn from it. It is very rare a person naturally responds to pain in such a way without being mentored to do so.
Glance back over the three primary ways people respond to emotional pain. Which one best describes you? Understanding how you respond to pain is an important first step in knowing what you must do to heal from damaged emotions. Once you know your tendency for responding to pain, move forward to the next three steps for healing from the wounds your pain has caused.
The Healing Process
1. Share your pain with a trusted few
You cannot heal well from emotional pain in isolation. Emotional wounds are healed in community. It is important to surround yourself with people you can trust who will care for you and hold your pain in confidence. The first person on this list needs to be God. He knows your pain better than you do, and he stands ready to receive your offering of painful emotions.
For help finding a counselor in your area who can help you share your pain, click here
2. Practice Feeling
If you fall into either the Retaliate or Retreat camps for responding to pain, then you really don't know how to feel. With either of these responses you have learned to react immediately to painful emotions by either fighting back or running away, neither of which have allowed you to really feel the pain.
Learning to feel will require "sitting in" your emotions when they occur. This is uncomfortable and does not come naturally, so it is all the more important that you deepen your connection with your trusted few from step one above. You will need their support to keep you focused on feeling difficult emotions rather than blowing up or running away.
3. Embrace pain as an ally
When you can ultimately come to a place of seeing pain as an ally rather than an enemy, you have reached a point of maturity that will bring stability and peace to your life. Pain will never be fun or pleasant, but it will always alert you to something that needs attention in your life. If you keep exploding or isolating yourself every time pain enters your life you won't learn the lessons it may be there to teach you. As C.S. Lewis stated, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Embrace pain as your ally and God will speak amazing truths into your life that you could not have learned any other way.
The reality is that life brings pain. But the pain does not need to define who you are or what kind of life you experience. It merely exposes the areas of your heart that are most in need of the Savior's healing touch. Face your pain today and begin your healing journey in honesty, humility, and hope.
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Respond to this article here.
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Real Answers to Real Questions
Real Question: I have gone to Christian counseling and that has been really
helpful in helping me to discover the root causes of my addictions and my struggles with same gender attractions: I was sexually abused by my mother...
I wonder if God can give me "back" my innocence again in regards to sex? And "back" is such a haunting word for me, because I don't feel like I have had any innocence in the first place in that area, with all the abuse...
I think it is hard for me sometimes in my struggles to keep pressing on, because I don't feel like there is much hope for my inner healing in regards to sexuality. Do you think God can restore my brokenness, the guilt, the shame? It is so humiliating, the past and the struggle.
Real Answer: Thanks for emailing and having the courage to share your story. You are the kind of man God is looking for! I know that may sound weird, especially considering how you feel about yourself right now, but God seeks those who are honest; with Him and with themselves. You have taken a bold step in that direction by sending this email.
To answer your question about restoration directly, "YES, God can restore that which was stolen from you." Now, let me explain the process that is involved in this occurring.
Healing truly is a process (read Healing is a Choice by Stephen Arterburn for in depth help). Even if God delivered you instantly from the shame of your past, you would still need to learn the principles of living free from such shame right now in order to keep it from re-entering your life. Therefore, you have to see the road ahead as a journey, not a one-time stop off of healing. Gaining a long-term perspective to the healing process is key to maintaining hope when the journey gets tough (and you will face obstacles along the way).
You have made the all important first step in that journey: confessing you have a need in your life. This is just the first step, though. The process of healing (especially concerning sexual shame) involves what we call the 4 Pillars of Purity (learn more here). Study these pillars and begin to implement them into your daily life. Again, it's a process not an event.
I want you to know that you are not "weird" for feeling the way you do. Abuse hurts. It leaves deep wounds. Even as you heal, scars will remain. But God can even use your scars to remind you of His grace, forgiveness, and love for you. There is no wound, no sin, no pain too big for God. His love is greater than all your pain! Meditate on that truth. It may take quite a while for that truth to truly sink into your heart to where you believe it is true. But keep pressing it into your mind and heart until you reach the pivotal breakthrough that GOD REALLY LOVES YOU...and there is NOTHING you could do to change that. Nothing!
You will also need some trusted people in your life to help you work through this healing process. No one successfully heals the hurts of the past without help. Seek godly counsel. Get plugged into a support group. Keep reading on the topic of purity and freedom. The following are some great places to start to get the help you need in this regard.
- Search for a Christian counselor in your area here.
- Search for a support group in your area here.
- Find great book/workbook resources here.
This should get you off to a good start. Saturate your mind with the truth. It is the TRUTH that will ultimately set you free. Shame lies to you. God tells you the truth. As you fill your mind with the truth, your beliefs will guide your actions.
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Do you have a real question you need answered? If so, email it to us at questions@bebroken.com.
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Featured Resource
False Intimacy
By Harry W. Schaumburg
With frank honesty, set in a Christian context, False Intimacy examines the roots behind destructive sexual behaviors and offers realistic direction to those whose lives or ministries have been impacted by sexual addiction.
click here for more info
