Purity Spotlight
A New Resolution: I'm Determined to Do it Myself...with Some Help!
by Karen
(former Be Broken board member and current Get Connected website columnist)
Well, here it is another new year! New beginnings, they say. New resolutions, many of which will be broken before the month is past.
Have you made any new year’s resolutions yet? Or have you given up on making them this “late” in the year? I’ve gotten to the point in my life that I no longer make resolutions. I break them! So on January 1, I haven’t made any resolutions because I haven’t made a workable plan for any of my goals or desires or am not motivated to do it by myself.
So, therefore, I had a decision to make. I had to decide whether I was going to let them and myself down by breaking my resolution, or decide to apply my determination and experience and discipline in order to accomplish a desired goal…for myself and for my friends! Was I going to sabotage my goal with excuses and lack of discipline, or was I going to allow their excitement to help motivate me toward my goal? I chose the latter! Let’s go for it!!
So, now I’m in training. And so far, I’m sticking to it. Why am I sticking to it? Primarily because my friends are continually asking me about it and because I have a plan of action that will push me toward my goal. And it certainly doesn’t hurt that I’m seeing small signs of progress in this short period of time. I’m beginning to believe that this goal can actually be accomplished! I’m so excited about it!!!
Thanks, friends!!! You’ve helped me to get started on this adventure, you’ve encouraged me to continue, and I’ll need you to support me to the finish line!!! Together, we’ll finish strong!
So what challenging race would you like to attempt this year? Are you doubtful that you are able to finish strong on your own? If you really would like to succeed then let me suggest telling someone else about your desire and goal. In fact, tell more than one person. Who knows? Maybe one of them may decide to actually join you in the race. Let their accountability and excitement for you help motivate you toward the finish line! You don’t have to run the race alone! Two are better than one!
“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls the one will lift up his companion But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.” Ecclesiastes 4:9,10
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Respond to this article by email to karen@bebroken.com.
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Real Answers to Real Questions
Real Question: The problem is when my wife and I have gone a while without sex (sometimes over a month) I start to feel increasingly desperate, and my wife feels pressure that she "ought" to want to make love, but increasingly feels turned off by the thought of sex. She wants me to take care of my own urges so we won't get into that cycle, but I always feel guilty when I do. Our marriage is otherwise very good. Do these circumstances change the advice about masturbation? I would really appreciate any suggestions. Thanks!
Real Answer: Thanks for emailing and commenting on the masturbation article. (It's a popular one on the site)
I certainly feel your tension as you describe your situation with your wife. But I really feel strongly about challenging you to abstain from masturbation completely. It is a dangerous fire that has the capacity to destroy relationships. But let me give you a few reasons why I believe this, rather than just saying you shouldn't masturbate because I have such an opinion.
Masturbation typically creates a fantasy-based system of thinking. It is rare for masturbation to be a temptation apart from fantasy. Even if fantasizing about your wife, you really aren't imagining her as she is, but rather as you would like her to be in your fantasy world. So, maybe she performs sexual acts in your mind that you know she would be adverse to in reality. This type of thinking (fantasy) is dangerous and damaging to relationships. But even if you could masturbate without a fantasy thought in your head, there is another reason it is dangerous.
Masturbation isolates us from relationship. Masturbation, or self-sex, is a means to an end that God intended within the context of relationship. When we go away to masturbate, even if done without fantasy (rare indeed!), we are disconnecting ourselves from true intimacy with our spouse. This is an "empty embrace" and never truly touches us deeply in an emotional or spiritual way. Thus, we ultimately bore of masturbation and must find more stimulating, and usually riskier, behavior.
All in all, masturbation at best is a risky venture in marriage. I simply can't find any supportive argument with merit to encourage such a practice for married men (or even single men for that matter). The potential damage it creates far outweighs any momentary benefits it may provide for relieving "sexual tension" or whatever else may be deemed a legitimate excuse to pursue it.
I would encourage you to continue pursuing your spouse in love and grace. Obviously, there are wounds in your marriage that need to be healed. That is no overnight project, but certainly no wounds are beyond the healing power of God through Jesus Christ. But many men short circuit the healing process by quickly running back to old, familiar ways of coping with stress in their marriage (i.e. masturbation) and never truly enjoy the fruit of patience and perseverance.
Hang in there, brother. I know it's not easy. But God is faithful to stick with you through those particularly tough days where it seems all you can feel is the desire to be sexual and you have no apparent outlet. Wait. Be patient. Look for God in those moments and you will see him in the most extraordinary ways.
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Do you have a real question you need answered? If so, email it to us at questions@bebroken.com.
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