Purity Spotlight
**This month's spotlight contains content not suitable for children**
"If You Only Knew..."
by J. Eblen
“If you only knew, would you still love me?”
Caught in the raging rapids of the river of sexual lust, I would often ask myself that question and because of fear, I didn’t see how anyone could love me if all the details of my “secret life” were discovered. The cycle of lust, sexual fantasies, acting out, and shame continued on its downward spiral.
This sexually addictive behavior began with my high school sweetheart who I dated for 3 years and was having premarital sex with for two of those three years. That was kept completely hidden from my parents and friends. I was confused because I had always gone to church and had even asked Jesus into my heart when I was about 12 years old, but did not understand what truly being a disciple of Jesus meant. I remember on more than one occasion crying like a baby after having sex because I knew it was wrong but knew the only way to stop would be to end the relationship. Because I was so emotionally attached to this girl, I continued the relationship. Eventually, she ended it. Not too long after that my dad committed suicide. As we discovered much later, he was having affairs at the office and ultimately the shame destroyed him and suicide was his way of ending the pain.
Through my college years, the lustful thoughts and masturbation continued. My first job out of college brought me to San Antonio. With a little more money available to spend on myself, I started to hire prostitutes. That continued for about a year until I met my wife. While I was dating my wife, I told her about seeing prostitutes when I was single and, although she was confused and doubtful at the time about our relationship, I convinced her that it was all in the past and I no longer had “that problem”. I did, however, still have a problem which didn’t go away just because I go married.
Finally, after years of hiding, some of my secrets began to be discovered because I decided to finally admit what was “going on in my head” to my wife. I told all of how I had lusted for women at work and would masturbate in the shower as I fantasized about these women. This was about 9 years ago, and at that time I had only been married for about 3 years. My oldest daughter was 3 and my youngest daughter was only 3 months old.
Life for me then was very dark and heavy. At that time I was going through a deep depression and plagued by memories of my dad’s suicide, shame over my secret lustful thoughts and actions, and stressed with an infant and toddler at home. Living with tunnel vision focused on my pain and misery I convinced myself that suicide was the solution. It would be a way to end the pain, have no more suffering, and no more having to face “the real me.” I was in so much emotional pain that I didn’t consider how suicide would affect anyone else. You see, since my dad had committed suicide it had unconsciously become an option for me simply because it is what he did.
What I didn’t realize was that there was hope. The hope was in having an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus walked with me as I walked into a psychological treatment center for my depression and paralyzing thoughts of suicide. Somehow I got through that experience and Jesus walked beside me; well, actually, Jesus carried me and my wife walked beside me. I couldn’t work for a couple of months and was in intensive counseling for several months after that and then somehow I decided I was better and didn’t need (or want) any more counseling. So, again, gradually sexual lust began to control me again. I could keep that pretty well concealed when around my wife but when at work or by myself my mind became a raging river once again. The lustful thoughts and acting out by masturbating continued.
In the past 3 years on some business trips to South Korea I became involved with some women in bars there. My wife discovered these secrets and the first time I got caught I swore I would never do that again. I didn’t for a while, but then about a year ago it happened again. At that point my wife told me either get help or the marriage was over. Because I had met Stephen Cervantes and Jonathan Daugherty at a Sexual Purity seminar in May 2004, I remember Stephen saying there was a men’s purity group that met at Oak Hills Church. Finally, I committed to get better for the sake of saving my marriage and pursuing sexual purity.
Thanks to my close relationship with Jesus now, I know I will finally be able to live a sexually pure life. I now intercept lustful thoughts by repeating Jesus, Jesus, Jesus over and over again in my mind or begin to say a silent prayer. That together with a daily Bible study and prayer time has truly changed my life! Purity is possible!
I am committed to staying CLEAN:
C = Confess – Confess your sins and struggles to Jesus and others.
James 5:15 - Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.
L = Lean & Learn – Lean on Jesus and learn from others.
Matthew 11:28 – Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Proverbs 12:15 - The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.
E = Encourage – Encourage others.
Hebrews 3:13 - But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.
A = Accountable – Be accountable to Jesus and others.
Romans 14: 11-12 - It is written: "As surely as I live, says the Lord, every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God." So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.
N = Never quit!!! – Fight the good fight. Finish the race.
I Timothy 6:12 - Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.
II Timothy 4: 7-8 - I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.
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Real Answers to Real Questions
Real Question:
What effect, if any, does sexual addiction have on a person?
Real Answer:
Here is a situational premise that has endless possibilities of consequence. The effects that sexual addiction can have on an individual are as varied as there are people on the planet. However, we have come up with the following list of what we have experienced and seen as the most common effects of sexual addiction on individuals who contact our ministry:
