“Mother, I’m a sex addict.” Painful to admit, horrific to hear. I listened as my son explained to me what sexual addiction was, never having heard the term before. I was shocked and confused, but grateful that he was being honest and that there finally was a name for the phantom that had turned my beloved son into someone I didn’t know anymore. But I had no idea of the long road that lay ahead, from that first confession to eventual healing and freedom for my son.
It had been almost a year earlier that I had my first rude awakening to the trouble to come. I had called just to say “hi” to Jonathan and Elaine, when she answered the phone in tears. She told me that Jonathan was planning to leave her later that week—that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married. I was stupefied! This was the happy couple that had so lovingly declared their vows just 18 months before. I had no idea there was anything going on other than the usual adjustments to marriage. And besides, hadn’t my husband and I taught our children (over and over!) that marriage is for life? That God hates divorce? What could he be thinking? I realize now that part of my indignation was my wounded pride. He was totally flaunting all those things that I thought had been instilled in him! I was beginning to think of myself as a failure as a parent.
Well, he did indeed leave, and was gone for several weeks. The few communications I had with him during that time were chilling. He said he didn’t care about anything, including God. In my diary I described him as “flat and cold and hard.” This was not my son! I was really frightened for him, and the thing I feared the most was his turning his back on God. So when one day I got a call from him saying he was “coming home” (to Elaine and to the Lord) I wrote, “I’m thrilled and relieved (and a little cautious).” As it turned out, caution was warranted. This was to be the beginning of over 2 years of what Jonathan now describes as the typical cycle—remorse, trying harder, failing, feeling defeated, wallowing in shame and sinking deeper, then back to remorse....and on and on. Of course, at this point none of us knew the secret sin that was drawing him further and further into the pit.
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Let me back up and give you a little insight into our past. Jonathan had been a great son in every way—charming, funny, respectful, great student, all-state athlete—every parent’s dream. Our family was close-knit. spending lots of time together, traveling with the Army all over the country. My husband and I had prayed for each of our children since before they were born. We prayed that they would come to know Christ at an early age and desire to live for him. We prayed for their future spouses. We taught them as well as we could how to live and love. We had a lot of fun as a family, playing games, going on trips and campouts, just being silly together. But something was simmering inside Jonathan that neither his dad nor I ever realized.
Sometimes Jonathan and I would have deep discussions about life and God. He had a lot of self-doubt that he only expressed when his guard was down, and I felt I could relate to him in many ways. He and I were wired very similarly. But even though I found out many years later that his first exposure to pornography happened in Jr. High, neither his dad nor I ever saw any evidence that he was involved in anything of the sort. (I’m sure this is not uncommon. That’s why this sin is so powerful—the power lies in keeping it hidden.)
After Jonathan’s confession of his problem, my first thought was that it would all get “cleared up” now that he had confessed and was going to change. I knew that he was God’s child (he received Christ as his Savior as a six year old) and deep down had always had a desire to please the Lord. I also believed with all my heart that nothing is impossible for God. However, what I did not know at the time was that when someone has become enslaved to a sinful habit, often God’s way of healing is over time. He desires for us to trust Him moment by moment in our weakness, to draw daily strength from Him for replacing old habits with new. It’s an agonizing process, and often things get much worse before they get better. Such was the case with Jonathan.
It’s an agonizing process, and often things get much worse before they get better.
Over the next 2 years, I was in a continual state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every phone call to them was a risk. I could end up feeling encouraged and hopeful, or find out that things were getting bad again, and feel my heart leap into my throat with fear. As painful as this was for me, to see my son turn his back on God and his wife, I can only imagine how it was for Elaine. When things finally got so bad that even my incredibly long-suffering daughter-in-law was motivated to leave him, I knew that it was a very real possibility that I could lose this precious young woman that I had grown to love so much.
During all that time, I saw that all my persuasive words, the books I sent him to read, the letters I asked other people to write to him—all that seemed to have no real impact. God was letting him slide further into the pit, until he came to the end of himself. It was a long, scary slide! But some of my prayers during that time were that God would bring him to the end of himself, whatever it took. It almost took his life. At one point, I remember telling Jonathan that I could picture him teetering on the edge of a cliff, but with God’s arm around him preventing him from falling. I really believe that’s what was happening.
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If you have read Jonathan and Elaine's stories, you know “the rest of the story.” But if you are a parent whose child is still “in the pit,” I want to encourage you with a few things I’ve been learning:
1. God can use all kinds of circumstances, people, sermons, books, etc. to impact your child. They do NOT have to originate with you! I had to let go of the responsibility for “fixing” my son. God is perfectly capable, and it will often have more impact if it comes from somewhere else.
2. You may think of everything you “shoulda-woulda-coulda” done as a parent, and feel like a total failure. I know I did! The only thing to do is to honestly confess the things you did wrong, both to God and to your child, and then LET IT GO. None of us were perfect parents. God is the only perfect parent, and look how messed up some of His kids are! We have to forgive ourselves and move on.
3. Never stop loving! And let him know that you will always love him, even when you strongly disagree with his choices. His self-concept is at rock-bottom, whether he admits it or not, and he needs to know that he is loved unconditionally.
4. Pray, pray, pray! Prayer is a weak area for me, but God taught me to pray for my son in many ways. Pray when you feel like it and especially when you don’t.
No experience in our lives is wasted if we run to God in the midst of our pain and cry out for His help.
5. Never give up! We have a mighty God, and I have seen Him work a miracle in my son’s life! When my husband was dying (a whole other story that Jonathan touches on in his testimony), God gave me a verse that became my life raft: Jeremiah 32:17—““Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm, and NOTHING is too hard for You!” That’s not a promise that everything will go the way you want it to. My husband was not healed. But it became true for me in widowhood. It may seem that your child will never choose to turn to the Lord, or the process may be unbearably slow, but even then God can change YOUR heart and give you peace.
I had a sense of the presence of God during this experience that I rarely have had before or since. Many of the books I bought to give to Jonathan ended up ministering to ME! God was teaching me many of the things he would also be teaching Jonathan, especially about our identity in Christ. No experience in our lives is wasted if we run to God in the midst of our pain and cry out for His help. He is the only constant in life.
The incredible thing about my story is not that it has a happy ending, because none of our life stories have ended as long as we have breath. But the process of becoming is the real joy. Jonathan and I still have our “deep discussions” and now HE is the one encouraging and teaching ME! I am in awe of what God is doing in his life and ministry, and I have a feeling we “ain’t seen nothing yet!”
“Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
