This is the million dollar question among evangelical Christians. And we will be upfront with you...there isn't a direct answer in the Bible. So, how can we answer this question? In the same way that Scripture does for many "gray area" questions: through biblical principles.
Let us define masturbation first. We don't want to complicate this any more than it already has been in various literature. Masturbation is simply the act of self-stimulation that leads to ejaculation or orgasm. Let's now break down some of the principles that can guide us to a better understanding of how to view masturbation in our own lives.
Masturbation, if seen purely as a physical function, is not sin. It is simply an orgasmic release. But is there more to masturbation than just its physical act? Of course, because we are more than just physical beings. We have emotions, thoughts, and soul & spirit. How do these play a part in our view of masturbation?
...the act of masturbating is nothing more than a conduit back to our old patterns of thinking and relating.
Jesus said, "Do not look at a woman with lust in your heart, for in so doing you have committed adultery with her in your heart." Was Jesus dealing with actions or attitudes in this verse? He was addressing our attitude. And that is precisely what we must weigh in our own hearts when it comes to the subject of masturbation.
Let me address those of us who struggle with sexual addiction. Masturbation must be off limits. You may be thinking, "You are contradicting yourself. You just told me masturbation was just a physical act and my attitude is what matters to God." That is true, but for most of us, we have so linked pornography to masturbation that the act of masturbating is nothing more than a conduit back to our old patterns of thinking and relating. Therefore, I always counsel recovering sex addicts to abstain from any form of masturbation (other than mutual with their spouse).
One other point about masturbation. It is an isolated activity, disconnected from relationship and intimacy. All of Scripture points us in the direction of connected, intimate relationships...first with God and then one another. So, if we are masturbating we are disconnecting from the true intimacy God wants to develop in us. Don't allow masturbation to rob you of the joy of connecting emotionally with your spouse.
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Recently Asked Question:
The problem is when my wife and I have gone a while without sex (sometimes over a month) I start to feel increasingly desperate, and my wife feels pressure that she "ought" to want to make love, but increasingly feels turned off by the thought of sex. She wants me to take care of my own urges so we won't get into that cycle, but I always feel guilty when I do. Our marriage is otherwise very good. Do these circumstances change the advice about masturbation? I would really appreciate any suggestions. Thanks!
Our Answer:
I certainly feel your tension as you describe your situation with your wife. But I really feel strongly about challenging you to abstain from masturbation completely. It is a dangerous fire that has the capacity to destroy relationships. But let me give you a few reasons why I believe this, rather than just saying you shouldn't masturbate because I have such an opinion.
Masturbation, or self-sex, is a means to an end that God intended within the context of relationship.
Masturbation typically creates a fantasy-based system of thinking. It is rare for masturbation to be a temptation apart from fantasy. Even if fantasizing about your wife, you really aren't imagining her as she is, but rather as you would like her to be in your fantasy world. So, maybe she performs sexual acts in your mind that you know she would be adverse to in reality. This type of thinking (fantasy) is dangerous and damaging to relationships. But even if you could masturbate without a fantasy thought in your head, there is another reason it is dangerous.
Masturbation isolates us from relationship. Masturbation, or self-sex, is a means to an end that God intended within the context of relationship. When we go away to masturbate, even if done without fantasy (rare indeed!), we are disconnecting ourselves from true intimacy with our spouse. This is an "empty embrace" and never truly touches us deeply in an emotional or spiritual way. Thus, we ultimately bore of masturbation and must find more stimulating, and usually riskier, behavior.
All in all, masturbation at best is a risky venture in marriage. I simply can't find any supportive argument with merit to encourage such a practice for married men (or even single men for that matter). The potential damage it creates far outweighs any momentary benefits it may provide for relieving "sexual tension" or whatever else may be deemed a legitimate excuse to pursue it.
I would encourage you to continue pursuing your spouse in love and grace. Obviously, there are wounds in your marriage that need to be healed. That is no overnight project, but certainly no wounds are beyond the healing power of God through Jesus Christ. But many men short circuit the healing process by quickly running back to old, familiar ways of coping with stress in their marriage (i.e. masturbation) and never truly enjoy the fruit of patience and perseverance.
Hang in there, brother. I know it's not easy. But God is faithful to stick with you through those particularly tough days where it seems all you can feel is the desire to be sexual and you have no apparent outlet. Wait. Be patient. Look for God in those moments and you will see him in the most extraordinary ways.
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