Shame is the basic belief that one is defective as a person. It is the overriding sense that "I" am wrong, that something of the core of who I am is wrong or defective.
Shame is at the core of what drives a sex addict to behave the way he/she does. It is cyclical, meaning that each time a sex addict acts out (behaves according to sexual fantasy) it produces shame, and when shame is present it drives the addict back to the outlet of sexual addiction to relieve the pain.
The following article comes from the website of Christ the King Lutheran Church in Norcross, Georgia
(used with permission)
by Sam Sligar, Th.M.DEALING WITH SHAME
Best-selling author John Bradshaw describes shame as, "the all-pervasive sense that I am flawed and defective as a human being." Psychologist Norman Wright puts it, "Guilt says `I have made a mistake;' shame says 'I am a mistake.'" Guilt can be frustrating and annoying when it used for manipulation, or it can be as benign and constructive as Disney’s Jiminy Cricket. However, shame is like a virulent cancer that invades the human psyche and can kill the human spirit.
we are not born with shame
How do we know if we suffer from shame? The most common symptoms are hiding and running; lack of confidence; low self esteem, self-hatred and self–unforgiveness; the need to justify your own existence; anger, rage, self pity, arrogance, pride, conceit, and judgementalism; difficulty saying ‘no’; compulsions, addictions (possibly) and not in touch with one’s own feelings; perfectionism, hopelessness, depression, despair, and feeling tolerated rather than chosen. All of us have felt these things at one time or another because none of us completely escape shame. However, if any of these symptoms are pervasive, shame may have invaded one’s spirit to a greater extent then ever realized.
Once recognized, it is important to understand that we are not born with shame but it has its roots in experiences and relationships. These relationships can be with parents, siblings, friends, peers, teachers, coaches, and even society. The most destructive forms of shame seem to begin in our childhood and lodge themselves deep in our inner psyche only to emerge later in ways that often seem confusing and very frustrating.
Dealing with shame first involves recognizing its existence and discovering its roots. This process helps us to begin the healing because we are starting to take charge by naming the “demons” that torment us. Fighting and controlling these “demons” is a difficult and frequently painful journey, but the outcome can the freedom to be what God truly intended us to be.
Contact us for help with overcoming shame.
Click here to learn more about our workbook, Understanding Shame: Breaking the Power of the Addictive Spiral by Jonathan Daugherty.
